jojoelsia

jojoelsia @ 2009-12-22T21:56:00

2009-12-23T03:56:29Z

So Mete "fished" out that I went to Hooters. I was hungry. At a stop light. Jon was hungry. Hooters was right there. With many hot girls. I texted Mete but he didn't text back. And then I couldn't say no to peer pressure as usual. Mete didn't ask later on, I was extremely busy and only had 10ish hr of sleep so I completely forgot, until today, when Mete was playing mind games to fish it out, and I don't operate like that under mind games, I am programmed to rebel against mind games. So even when the truth came out, which I did not decline that I went, he still got very angry.

Yes, I know it brought back many bad feelings for Mete. And then it brought bad bad feelings for me. I can never win in things like this. I was depressed in an unhappy relationship. I was depressed when I left my ex-husband. I was depressed dealing with the messy divorce. I was making bad decisions. I was suffering from bad decisions. So was Mete. Now that I'm better, I'm still suffering from them, and cannot have fun or satisfy my natural curiosity without consequences.

Things are not fair. Everyone saw the disaster on its way. I was too weak to prevent any of it. Yes, I let them happen without thinking straight, but I did not ask for them. I was messed up. Which part of "Julia is going through a messy divorce" wasn't clear? Yet I was still expected to be Saint Julia who should've never done such things. No, I did not, and still do not need lectures. I know what I did. I needed good friends, and SUPPORT the most, and I still do. People physically around me were not exactly GOOD friends. So the support I got were not exactly positive. Now? I am doing my best to not have flaws, but I still have my curiosity, I still have my "wee this is fun" moment.

Why is it so hard to get someone to understand "Julia did not do this because she did not love you," or "Julia did not do this to hurt you" ?

This is not fair. Drinking, shopping, and making bad decisions were my only ways to cope at the time instead of cutting myself. Now I'm back to normal Julia, yet I still carry the cross leftover from the darkest days of my life when I needed SUPPORT, which I have never gotten from many sources. I am not asking for a clean record. I know there was no excuses. But I did not do anything, in anyway, to intentionally hurt anyone! And I know this by heart. I was weak. I was stupid. I was hurt. I was sad. I was messed up. I became a horrible person. What else can I do to repent? Get baptized again? Cut myself?

I guess no matter what I do now is not enough. I am more positive. I am a better girlfriend. I do a lot more. I started to go above and beyond what most girls out there would do. And he knows it.

So now, when the "past" hurts him, I am willing to be there for him. I let him take his anger out on me.

What about when my "past" hurts me? He no longer wants to talk about Monlin, the divorce, and everything else I've done. They hurt me, TOO. They directly happened to me. I felt every pain. I still feel them. Who am I supposed to talk to, besides learning to internalize things and bottle all the stress up?

And then a few people wonder why I'm still not as healthy as I should be? Why I still can't sleep? Why there's so much pressure in my chest? Why my head hurts?

Phew. OK. This is when I need to stop myself from being negative. Stop. Breath. It's OK. It will be OK. Getting angry and depressed now won't help with anything. Negative thoughts are not the solutions. I made mistakes. I am not the mistake. I changed. I am better now. I can take good care of myself. I need to calm down so my chest won't hurt.

This is not right. I know I've changed for the better. I was curios about Hooters. What I did hurt Mete's feelings, it may be horribly wrong in his mind, but not mine. I am not a horrible person because I went with curiosity and peer pressure. I am sorry that Mete is hurt. I tried my best to cheer him up. But there's nothing else more I can do. I have to let it go, even if Mete cannot let it go. It is within my control to let it go. And if he cannot let go, it is not my control, it's his business. Phew. Calm, Julia.

Dropping every kiss like butterflies :)

2009-12-17T07:35:04Z

I'm annoyed. Why is it that whenever I start exercising, something is wrong with my body? This time is scary. I was being stupid, too. My sleep pill somehow thickens blood, but Aspirin thins, so, no wonder my sleeping schedule is messed up, ha.

No public options, but pre-existing crap's taken care of? I'm screwed. Just like now. Life is wonderful. I have faith in Obama admin in general, just not the senate. It'll be good to bail after we get our degrees? But my parents are here, so.

1:43 AM, no one to talk to. Mete and I went to bed early at 8 PM so we got to talk and have sex until 10, I slept until 12ish. This is when I wish I'd masturbate, but nah. Mete is usually the one who wants sex daily, now it's reversed since he's tired all the time. Like I said months ago, I'm slowly addicted to sex, much better than compulsive shopping and cutting myself. I don't need sex daily, just every 2 days is fine. I just need Mete's attention.

Aside from these few bad days, things are good.

Mete is still Mete. Every moment with him is perfect.

I'm not much without him; he completes me, and that's the down side of two hearts that love, that you're not much without each other. I am always proud to be with him.

And I saw, what we have is timeless. It's a promise of a life time, and more. What we have is my wishes come true. He made me believe in angels, he is my angel. And then I know I'm here for a reason.

Everything had to work out the way they did so we'd be together; his parents had to be on the same train, my parents had to meet in that hospital. I'm not here for my ideals, as I don't let my ideals and beliefs control me as religions; I'm here to be with my better half, to live a promise, and to have every minute devoted to be the goods he brings out in me.

My heart is happy today :) And it's 4:11am now and I still can't sleep, blah :-P

2009-12-10T09:58:15Z

I went to bed at 10pm with Mete. Woke up at 1am. Had to take aspirins at 2am to ease the chest pain. Pulled an all nighter until 7am. Woke up frequently. Yep, it's about time to switch sleep meds. I just took 2, let's see if I'll fall asleep in another 15min.
My heart is all good today :) As if nothing ever happened. Yay to jumping and laughing again.

Bought the ticket to NC, 12/18-12/20, tickets on other dates are expensive. Jon's picking me up at GSO at 12:15pm ish :) He's gathering a group that night so I can finally see some peeps. 12/19 Wendy's graduation + dinner = all day. 12/20 4:20pm GSO back to WI. Next time, if anyone's graduation is in the winter? I better save up enough miles for free tickets if possible. But I'll be upgrading to first class this time tho! That's a relief.

Yea, Jon is a good friend. He was picking me up at RDU when I didn't even ask, and refused my gas money. I had to get the cheaper ticket to GSO, Jon said he'll come so I don't need a $120 rental or wait 2hr for Wendy, he just has to accept my gas money proposal. He also offered to let me stay with them if my dad drinks. It's really nice of him and Ben, but I know Mete wouldn't like it. It's also about knowing him better these years. I've learned a lot from him, just like I do from my friends. Jon is close to a 2nd Timur, I feel like I almost have 2 brothers! And they both love Mete, so that's the best plus in my book haha :)

Looks like the group = Jon, Ben, maybe Katie, John, Reed, maybe Rachel and Amish, for now. We'll see how big of an army Jon can summon :-P "Dude we gotta do it big" he says. As long as I don't drink and watch over myself, then it's all good :)

I guess it's about time.

2009-12-08T21:17:13Z

My heart is always a bit off since I was little, everyone knows that. So chest pains here and there, meh.
Until this morning. I actually got scared. Long story short, I got it from my mom, just didn't think the onset would start now; well, it's still later than my mom, she had her first one when she was 20.

I dislike seeing doctors. I tried to diagnose myself, which isn't smart in this kind of chest pain, but come on now, I have no health insurance, and who has $2000-$3000 for 2 doc visits and a bunch of medical exams?
Now my chest still feels stuffed, it radiated to my shoulders about 3hr ago, especially in my left shoulder, and my left arm is a bit sore and numb. I don't know if this is from the exercises I did yesterday, or the chest pain tho.

Anyways, I'm glad I started eating semi-vegetarian. After today, I am seriously going to be even more serious about eating and living healthy. I mean, I really want to have kids and grow old with Mete and all that good stuff.

Mete still thinks I'm his jackpot :)

2009-12-05T08:05:27Z

12/8 3:31am This is not funny anymore...
Yep, my boobs became 34D half cups. No, not full cups, instead of stuffing full-support bras with rounded cleavage, now they barely fill. Yep, half cups, that only fill the demi bras just enough with decent cleavage. I know this is stupid and there are more substantial things in life, but my boobs are very important to me.

I'm increasing proteins a bit. Thanks to fishes, tofu, cheeses, vegan meats, milk, and eggs. I I forgot to get nuts last time :(

I cut back on cardio, now focus on building muscles just so my body doesn't only lose lbs so quickly. I like Carmen Electra's , Jenna Fischer's, and Marissa Miller's workouts, they are newly renovated moves that target each muscle group well. I need to work on my abs more to get to a healthy waist-hip ratio so I can pop out healthier babies :)

Life is good when I bury myself in learning and try to cook daily. I can't find my Calculus book, did I sell it? My Dutch is slow :( The grammar is similar to English, I need to build up vocabulary and pronunciation. Spanish and Italian will come later.

Slept from 10pm - 2:15am. Ouch. Almost time to prep my and Mete's breakfast anyways.

12/7 2:48am
So I've lost about 5-6lbs these 5 days. I have more energy, I'm warmer, and I have less food cravings.
But here's a scary thing: I think my boobies are getting less full :-( Looks like I'll stock on Papayas, hops supplement, and nuts. I'll increase muscle training to keep a firm chest. I'm glad I got new bras that support well. Maybe I'll need one more extremely supportive sports bra. I finally got to a D in recent years, there's no way I'll allow myself to get back to a C =.= Yep, papayas 3 times a week with hops should help.

12/5 8:43pm
Possibility of flurries/storm tomorrow. Cloudy. High 32 at 1pm, sunset at 4:12pm, 30. Will it be a safe idea to do long walks?

Both Mete and I earned the status of silver members with our airline. Complimentary 1st class upgrade sounds so good.

Looks like I'll have to attend Wendy's graduation alone due to Mete's work :-( Also that tickets are expensive around Christmas, so my only comforts are the 1st class upgrade, hanging out with friends, and seeing my parents.

Oh I lost another lbs :)

12/5 3:05am
The cats are huddling with me on the couch. I have my blanket on to keep us warm.
It's been snowing for days. High in the 20's. Low? Ha, it doesn't really matter.

I lost 4lbs. It's great to have veggies, fruits, and herbal teas again. Back to dancing and building muscles is crucial for staying warm in this cold weather :) Fit TV finally has Shimmy and Namaste DVDs, good for when I finish hip hop and strip tease.

It's still not the same amount of workout as climbing Volcan Pacaya, walking in San Francisco, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Holland, Turkey, and Italy. I want this Sunday to be a warmer day high in the 30's, so I'd walk to the lake shore in 2hr. I want to build up my stamina and increase the walk to Two Rivers in 3hr, and then Point Beach state park in 5hr.

Mete is very hopeful of going back to school. Ideally, he'd work in Cary after he gets the nuclear engineering degree so I'd go on to grad, law, or med school. I really want to move to somewhere new, but we have a lifetime for that.

I have so many healthy, vegetarian, and seafood recipes, yet I lack the motivation to cook every single day :-(

"Do you really think I'm your jackpot?" "Really. Maybe that's why I can't win the lottery, because I already won the jackpot once."

Learning about tsantsas :-P And FoxB-2.

2009-11-20T18:03:37Z

Thank you all. I feel better today. Also solved some things with Mete. Yes, I have a temper when I'm in that mood, and if he says the slightest wrong thing I'd blow up. Now we're on the same page, hopefully. Chances are, it'll happen again, and that's just something we have to deal with due to our different personalities. The positive aspect is that at least we're able to solve things and deal with them.

One ground breaking decision I've made is to remove a person from my friend list. I tried to stop talking to her for a bit, but that did not work when she tried to force drama into my life, including her family matters. When I do need something, she's never there. I am responsible for it, I allowed her to continue in order to maintain peace. She once "jokingly" pushed a 3some one night, and we didn't feel like it was a joke anymore, and she didn't stop upon my request. There were times when she'd attack things I say, and criticize my relationship with Mete, but she'd be totally on his side. There's a great amount of jealousy. When I tell her good news, she says ridiculous things to make it sound bad- like Antarctica, she said it's a bad idea because there are polar bears =.= Um, they're in the North pole. I feel bad for her unhappiness and excessive jealousy. Time has proven that I can't do anything else for her.

We'll start driving as soon as Mete's home, we'll spend the night in Seymour, a little pass Indianapolis. We should arrive Chapel Hill tomorrow night. Family picture may happen on Tuesday. We'll drive to VA on Wednesday, and then start driving back to WI on Saturday.

"Depression is the inability to construct a future"- Rollo May. Yea, now that I'm OK again, my near future is back on track :) Jenna F. said she got her body after she ditched her personal trainer. Too bad that I've no such dedication, so I'll have one after Thanksgiving for a few weeks, just to jump start a habit forming routine, plus a personaly trainer = meeting someone new, and that'll help me to meet more new people!

Oh and, Elijah just informed me that there will be 20+ people showing up in VA. Sigh. I'm trying not to feel stressed. It'll be fun. Worst case scenario? We could bail earlier... Mete has to work and needs more rest anyways :-P We were really expecting a small, cozy, relaxing family reunion, not a big, crowded, impersonal party. Mete said one branch of that family is "boring", and from my FB experience, I am also guessing they're conservative and lacking excitement, but still nice tho, as long as we don't say anything too liberal :-P And honestly, they're extremely extended family to Mete, we may never see them again except for Elijah's and Timothy's weddings. Oh well, it'll all be OK. It's only 3 days. And I really hope we won't have to stay at a stranger's house... I'd much prefer getting our own hotel rooms that way :-(

It's just another day. It'll all be OK. Phew, deep breath :(

2009-11-19T16:09:25Z

I cannot find anyone to talk to.
Jon said I can call him anytime but I'd hate to wake him up or distract him from his school work and poker tournaments lol. John is busy, with grad school, work, and new girlfriend, all the excitement :)

Going to places on my own doesn't replace a social life. I don't need to talk about Mariam. I just need some support once in a while. Or to have some good discussions (read: discussions, not arguments, those have grown increasingly annoying and pointless and hurtful to both parties). Or just to express how I feel. And I may sound picky, but I prefer not talk to a few people who keep complaining and living a miserable life, claiming that sarcasm is honesty when it really isn't. Right now, I have no stomach for ill-intentions and piety. Or plan-forging against their own families for not being supportive, yet they are doing the exact same thing to attack their own family. It's irrelevantly complicated annoyance. I don't mind listening, but really, it'll be nice to just talk once in a while, and have some positive thoughts.

I am going coocoo. And I'm reading about human sacrifices the Celtics might've practiced as Caesar accounted. Yummy.

11.19 5:27pm

No, talking on the phone (which I rarely do unless I really need to) and talking online are not the same as having friends closer by. Talked to Jack, Jon, Diana, and Timur a little bit. Called George for 10min. Mete was online for 5min. Called my mom. Got some and replied some emails.

Mariam's face is still there. I can still picture her overdosing and cutting herself. And guess what? She learned it from me, because that's what I tried, overdosing with alcohol and cutting. I didn't teach her that, it just came out during group discussion, but still, she asked me about it, I told her. I know it is not my fault, but my coo-coo self is trying to blame myself for her death when it really has nothing to do with me. I haven't talked to her in years.

And just when I thought today couldn't get worse, my bff in Taiwan said she's marrying her asshole boyfriend and continue her miserable life that would also ruin her baby boy. What a perfect world with horrible parents raising innocent kids.

Oh, another friend of mine in Taiwan is miserable and asks me why his life is miserable. But he's too stupid to understand.

Point is, you see? I have no social life. I can read and study all I want about random things and random languages, but I have no social life. And, I cannot help anyone, I can know all the psychology crap and victim dynamics, I can know all the sensitive crime laws, and I can get all the degrees I want, but people will just keep killing themselves, getting raped, getting knocked up, getting married to an asshole, and getting a miserable life.

And no, when we go back to NC for a very short 3 days, I cannot see most of my friends, which is fine, because Mete is right, we need to spend more time with my parents. But, a part of me really wants to see at least a few close friends in Chapel Hill! At least go out clubbing and dancing for 1 night! Diana, Jon, and John are in Chapel Hill, and we can all go out for a night, that's possible, but no, Mete doesn't want to, and we'll fight over this again, and I hate fighting with him.

I mean, just 1, fucking, night, I miss them, I miss the loud music at clubs, and I miss dressing up to go somewhere for fun.

It's OK. It's just a bad day. I know it'll all be OK. Mariam is dead. Irish is marrying an asshole. None of it is my problem, really. I know it, just not today, and it's OK to have a down day. Tomorrow will all be better. Even without a social life.

Oh, yes, and maybe one day I'll go coo-coo enough and shoot myself. There are plenty of hunting guns in Wisconsin. I can make friends with guns. OK this is just a joke, don't take it seriously. I'm just being stupid and sarcastic. I'm not suicidal now.

Today was one of those days I really needed a friend

2009-11-18T19:22:25Z

Mariam's death is effecting me more than I thought it would. My sadness is turning into depression, and I'm doing my best to slowly move away from the tragedy. "That could've been me," I thought. It's a mixed feeling.

I always knew life is too short. Now I see that life is also so short that I may not always be able to do every single thing I want. I mean every, single, thing. Everyone has limits. I feel like a failure today. I feel stupid, ugly, and useless. I studied Vaticinia Nostradami, Mezar Arsinoe Misir of Efes'te, Codices Mayas, Rapa Nui, Jack the Ripper, Eco and psych stuff as usual. Uploaded all the photos. And cleaned a bit. But low most of the day.

Talked to my parents. Timur called, he's got girl trouble. Sigh, I warned him. Let's hope no one murders him :-P He asked me to take his body from Korea if that happens, I said I'd find a pink coffin for him. So funny.

I really need someone to talk to. Mete came home but is asleep and we didn't talk much. All the reading/studying won't replace loneliness. Yet this is the best I can do for a life Mete wants, to travel whenever he has vacation, which can't happen if I were still in school, or had a job. I am happy most of the time and love traveling, but we all know that Julia is a social animal and school makes me fulfilled, and now I lack both. It's slowly draining me. It's OK tho, I'll always find a way to bounce back when my hyper cycle begins. And then I'll exercise more, study more, cook more, clean everything, do some arts, and live happily as I should. It's all good :) It has to be. I love Mete. He works so hard for us, and the least I can do is to make him happy. I'm grateful to have my brave knight :D

Good girls go to heaven, us bad girls are already in heaven :)

2009-11-15T19:49:19Z

Yea it's about time for me to get discontent with some things. I miss going to classes and learning.
I've been studying on my own, but still. A fully organized apartment with a clean office would help!

Some people have very different definitions of honesty, pretty much whatever gives them better appearances. It makes me uncomfortable. This particular person is miserable; she blames others, but it really comes from within herself, especially when she evokes drama with ill-intentions. I'm a good friend to her and tried to give her chances but, I really don't need this.

YOLO board is the newest water sport on my list after kayaking, scuba diving, kite surfing and wind surfing :)

Things are still up in the air. I'm in an antsy mood today: where will we move to? Hawaii, NC, or Antarctica? I try to comfort this discontent day of mine: It's all good! Everything is great, except for 1. no degree and 2. still overweight. See, only 2 things! I can always take online classes like Jon and John, and sign up with YMCA after Thanksgiving, right?

Did laundry, cleaned kitchen/dinning table, paid bills, also 90% of photo organizing. See, it's a good day so far! Just have to clean the bedroom and paperwork in the living room :) I intend to get everything done before we head to NC and VA.

Life is mostly happy. Prolly need a psychiatrist closer by before December, also dental, optical, and OBGYN appointments :-P
Things with Mete are great as usual. I enjoy giving him massages, good sex, and awesome bj's after his long day at work lol

jojoelsia @ 2009-11-13T01:08:00

2009-11-13T07:08:10Z

No, Italy is not like the rest of western Europe. But I love the history and arts.

They don't like toilet seats. Many things are made for the purposes of low costs, not so much for human factor designs.

The Roma-Fiumincio aeroporto isn't as fun as Guatemala City or Istanbul, but I like the metro system :)

Half of the Italians are happy and hyperly friendly as seen in movies, and I love that part of the culture. The other half are aggressive and impatient. Immigrant sales people from the Middle East and southeastern Asia are pushy and rude at times. Part of the culture can be brash sometimes. This is when I wish I knew the language, it would've avoided many things. But most things turned out just fine with English, limited Latin and tiny Spanish.

Men in Italian, either Italians or immigrants, are very aggressive when it comes to checking women out, Mete notices things like that as usual, but even I could sense it, and felt very uncomfortable. I've experienced most men from most cultures, right now men in Italy are ranked top on my almost creepy staring list :-P

Certain tourist groups annoy me. I try to think of positive side, but it's rather hard when I'm extremely tired. It's OK for people who don't travel much to seen lost and not knowing much, but when they don't learn or respect others, that's just stupidity. And this is when Mete and I wished we had upgraded to better hotels and 1st class flight tickets to avoid people like that.

As an art history lover, I chased down Bernini's masterpieces in Roma :) Also great works by Michaelangelo and other artists in Firenze.

I am crazy about late Roman Republic history and the founding of Roman Empire. I loved all the ruins, except for the fact that Christianity destroyed a lot of them, or converted them into churches- the only way they'd survive. Mete loved Pompei, it is well preserved, and not touched by Christianity.

Foods were amazing. We had to eat cheap most of the time, got local grocery so we can eat cheap at our hotel room. Many pizzas and simple dishes are nothing like what we have here in America. The more sophisticated cooking were must-try's, especially Tuscan cookery and fresh Italian seafood. Fresh fishies were very close to Turkish ones. Limoncello, the famous lemon wine from Sorrento are adorable.

JM said her sister said Venice is touristy. Oh, Niagara Falls, Istanbul, and Roma are also touristy. I hope people realize that most places are, and it's not that much fun. Just like, Paris is also touristy, so are Antigua, London and Barcelona. Ooh, I can't wait to see Lyon. Jon said if Paris were the NYC of France, then Lyon is Boston :) where I'd actually have a taste of more authentic France. It'll be good to travel with him to France, he'd teach us French and show us his birth place.

The trip was great overall. Roma, Pompei, Firenze, and Sorrento were fantastic. We didn't get to see Venezia, Pisa, Napoli, and Capri, but there's always a next time :) I'd love to spend more time in Tuscany, the south, and Sicily. You need 1-2 months for Italy to see all the history and arts.

I wanted to buy more gifts but Mete got annoyed, he doesn't feel like we should spend money on other people, but I really want to bring a little piece of Italy back for people I care about. Since we had to travel cheaply, I'd only bring back little presents.

We may not be able to go to Aruba in December, because Mete may have a week long training.
So, NC and VA later this month for Thanksgiving, and Wendy's and Michelle's graduations in December.

As of future travel plans? Not sure yet! Depends on if we'd stay in WI or move elsewhere :) But new places are always good. Thanks to Michelle's book, I'm slowly reading it, my photography skills are improving very slowly. I've organized most of the photos from Italy, will upload them later for Mr. Mark and Annie, they'll head to Roma soon :)

I've also broke my fashion wanna-be stage. Back in Asia, I follow trends in Taiwan and Japan. Then I started American styles in recent years. Lately I looked up to European fashion. But after Amsterdam and Roma, I realized that, European girls also follow 6 or 7 trends, not much creativity or color matching, almost everyone follow one of those trends and almost uniformed. And then I started appreciating my own style on day 9 in Italy. There's no need to want to be anyone's fashion follower! I know what looks best on me, and I'll rock what I have. It brings me a liberated self-assurance, in a way.

Mete found a position in Antarctica, he can choose to work 3 months in the summer, 3 months in the winter, or a full year. But in just 3 months they pay 100G or more, so people can practically only work for those months in an year. He's considering it. It would be great if I'd come along- Antarctica! One of the most extreme places on Earth.

Possibilities are endless. Hawaii, the Netherlands, Belgium, England, Antarctica, and NC are top of my list now. Mete applied to many places, just like last year, now we wait. There's no concrete plan, just, whatever falls in our laps.

We walked a lot in Italy, we both gained lots of lower body muscles :-P I need to somehow not be lazy and keep up exercising and be active like we were in Italy. I must be healthy enough to get pregnant and take care of a baby, right? Yep.

Ooh so when I was taking a shower yesterday I noticed that my thighs and bums are more toned!

It's all good now :)

2009-11-09T20:11:35Z

Make up sex, 3 times in a morning, makes everything better doesn't it?

It's 4:23AM in Roma

2009-11-09T04:01:03Z

I just woke up from a horribly heartbreaking nightmare.
Last night, after hearing about the gang rape in CA, I was so upset. Mete said I was raising my voices and that constitutes as taking it out on him, I got more worked up and said that most people don't do anything about things like that and they'd just walk away, and that since I've never seen him doing anything about many things, and he really doesn't care that much about other people except for his family and me, so he could be one of those walk away speculators.
He got really angry. After I cooled down I realized what I said was wrong, and kept on apologizing for hours, but he was angry at me ALL night. He said I think of him as a horrible person, and why am I still with him if I thought he'd just walk away from something like that. I know I was wrong, I kept on apologizing, I never meant to hurt him or make him angry. It's just that, I've never seen him or people I know doing anything about many similar situations, and they'd always tell me not to because I'm small and a girl.
OK, point is, he was really angry at me. I was out of tricks, and fell asleep. He didn't sleep until just a few hours ago.

So, the nightmare goes, I was hanging out with George, Mete came home looking all weird, I joked if he had sex with another woman, he didn't deny it and was all weird, so I knew he did. I asked if he'd leave her, he said he needs time to think. I walked George home, and came back, and asked him again, he said he needs more time and doesn't know. I went to my parents and helped them out with something, came back and asked again, I got the same answer, so I said how can he not know and needs more time? He said since I think of him as a horrible person who'd just walk away from horrible things, then he doesn't know why I'm still with him, then he's doubting this relationship. I started crying and started packing, and told him that I only want my own things and he can keep everything else. He asked why I'm leaving since I have no money, and I said I was never with him for money and I'll survive just fine.

So I woke up with this pain in my chest. He's never been like that last night. For hours, no matter what I did, he wouldn't look at me and there's not one loving word.

I mean, how could I not think that?

When people found out about what Monlin did when I was crying all day back in school, no one thought it was rape, and no one helped me to do anything about it. "Monlin had sex with me and I didn't want to, he made me, so I'm not a virgin anymore" was the best I could describe in English at the time. Brian told me to go to the Planned Parenthood for birth control, Sarah said I was still a virgin since I didn't want it, and my counselor said I lost my virginity and it's just what happens. In the end she did say I could get Monlin in trouble since I was a minor, so I can choose to be quiet about it.

And when the David thing happened, no one thought it was rape except for Mete. Christin even wanted to go after David because she was impressed that he had the guts to do things like that.

On Franklin Street, whenever things are happening and when I went up to make sure the girls are OK, Lizz, Kelly, or Mete would tell me to just walk away since it's not our business and it can be bad since I'm a small girl and I should just walk away.

And you know how my brain works, there's only black and white, maybe some in between, maybe. And I was upset so I wasn't thinking straight, not that I actually thought Mete was a bad person.

Anyways. Lately whenever he gets discontent, he shows it more and more. I've been trying hard to be good. But sometimes I still have my temper and he wouldn't go out of his way to make me smile as much as he used to. If in the past it was 10 out of 10 times, now it's only 6 out of 10 times. He gets impatient more. Especially when it comes to photography-- The chances of me actually going on to law or med school is slim at this point, with the life style Mete wants, and getting married and popping out kids asap in not more than 2 years. I cannot go to school when he wants to travel like this every 2-4 months. And I've been slowly changing my mind. He's working so hard for our future, then I shouldn't be selfish and only worry about myself and my own future. But I can do photography, that way I still get to be a good wife and a good mom.

He always thinks going after honors at school, A's, a good GPA, trying to go to law or med school is only a way for people to prove themselves, not actually that good it's only for the prestige, so I've been slowly changing my goals for him. I know he was never fully supportive with me wanting to do well at school, that's why I gave in and moved to Wisconsin for him, and gave up on finishing up at UNC. I care about him a lot. I never studied much at Marquette, partly because I'm lazy, but also because I want to spent time with Mete whenever possible. But it's all OK.

Now, I need his support for my interest in photography. I don't want to be just a housewife mom. But even that he's impatient about because I take 200-400 photos a day and he feels like we cannot enjoy Italy or any other places we've traveled to. It is true, but that's the only way I can keep improving, since I've never taken classes or read about it until recently with the book Michelle gave me.

So, he's been more impatient. He was really angry at me last night. And I had that horrible nightmare.

Anyone is capable of doing anything should it be in the right conditions. And with my ups and downs, irregular bi-polar problems, and constant reminder of everything Monlin did that makes me angry very easily, these may very well be the "right" conditions, for not only Mete, but any man to leave me or cheat.

Oh well. I can't go back to sleep. I'm considering riding the 6am metro to the Fountane di Trevi to clear my mind, when there won't be tons of tourists and vendors trying to sell me things. Or to see the castle on my own since Mete doesn't seem that interested in it. But neither are safe in a big city like this, very early in the morning with tons of homeless and whatever people out there, and being a small Asian girl whom any race of men stare at up and down even when Mete's next to me, I don't want to know what they think of when they look at me like with that hungry dirty looks, and not knowing the languafe well. Or I can do the healthy and good for Julia thing, try to go back to sleep, and that one will be hard. Perhaps I can sleep on the floor.

Hopefully Thanksgiving will all work out somehow.

2009-10-25T10:37:46Z

10/25 5:25am
Yesterday was fun at the Lambeau Field tour in Green Bay and wow, I finally got to learn about the Packers. John and I decided that we'll root for the Packers when the Panthers aren't playing lol. We also showed him Oneida Casino.

It's fun to have John here. We all talked a lot and it's so good to have a friend here. John and I always get along very well, and I love it when he and Mete talk about sports :) Or our good old wrestling days.

Oh yea, John lost 45lbs. When I saw him in Chicago I thought we were back in HS since he looks just like he was then. Crazy. And I feel fat. Mete lost 40, and he's more motivated to play sports again after seeing John.

We miss Jon, we know he wants to come so I try to keep him in the loop. And yea, they're right, I need to stop being so nice to flaky people. Such as KL. Or my cousins. JMR is very borderline to that label now. It is true, why waste my energy on people who don't really care instead of people who are there for me all these years? Anyways, I've been doing much better in that department and shall keep up the good work. We miss Timur and Diana, too. Maybe Sean and Chad... hm. Not really Isaac tho. I still get sad when I think of what he and Sarah did. How could I not see that?

I totally love the trolls and Nat'l Geo photography book from Michelle! She always knows what I want exactly :)

Mete apologized, but I don't know if he really gets it. He's over protective, which is good sometimes, and I've gotten used to it. But still. There will always be guys trying, that's out of my control, and he knows it. If he has problems with those guys, don't blame me, because I do my own thing and not let them bother me.

Just like my motto: A man sees what he sees, and does what he can. Those men see what they see, like what they see in me, and they'll do what they can, but doesn't mean it'll come through. I have a few jealous girls who try to break us up on my back, but I don't let them. Mete didn't want to be mean so wasn't assertive to those girls also, so don't expect me to bitch out those guys, because I don't waste my time. All I can do is to keep myself safe, that is the biggest lesson I learned: men are always men and some do what they can when the opportunities arise, so don't give them any.

No, I'm not the hottest girl in the world. But they're right, my personality is easy to approach and I am excessively nice when I keep up a happy persona, so I need to keep a safe distance. And oh, I am all the way in Wisconsin, I hope Mete realizes that one, too. I am loyal to him now. I am not doing crazy things. I've put my past behind. I am who I am. And I try to be the best I can for him. Don't abuse it. He and our guy friends all know that I do many things most girlfriends won't, even his co-workers can see it, kept telling him to marry me or refer to me as his "wife", so don't abuse it. Ugh.

10/26 6:00am
So this was one of the better birthdays. My dad remembered. John came. Mete is taking me to Rome on 10/28. Michelle got me trolls and Nat'l Geo book. I got to see the H & D Museum and sat on some awesome bikes.

I am so thankful of Mete agreeing to drive to NC & VA for Thanksgiving. He'll be SO tired, but he's that good of a man.

Mete and I can have free tickets to Aruba after trip to Italy :) December will be fun. I need to slim down.

John lost 45lbs, Mete lost 40, they motivated me, sort of. 115lbs was when I felt my healthiest, and I don't know why it's so hard, I am just too lazy and my ankle injury in Turkey certainly didn't help. I still can't jump and run. I started at 148 since we moved here, went down to 136, now back to 140. Sigh. So, 25 more lbs! I need a healthy beach body and the stamina capable of doing all the water sports. And if I want a sporty motorcycle in the future, I need to be in good physique to ride it. I also need to be athletic enough to rock climb. Anyways, 6 wks until Aruba, I'd be happy to be 120 :-P Julia, all you need to do is: portion control, keep eating semi-vegetarian, and be more active. Being in Italy will help, since Europeans are so slim, and we'll be walking a ton. And then I'll have 4 wks to get back to exercising.

10/27 11:11am
I still cannot believe we're going to Italy tomorrow. I still need to do laundry, vacuum, dishes, closet, set up pet stuff, and pack. I'm defeated. My ankle still hurts and I cannot wear anything high heels. I bought my 1st pair of flats, so.
I hope the hotel in Rome has internet, an adapter for my camera, and a laundry room. You know how I travel light.
I'm excited and scared in a good way. I've been wanting to see Italy for so long, but I don't know what to expect.

People I deleted showed up on AIM again. I don't even bother to deal with it.

I am a little worried if my parents will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Mete and I will drive to NC and stay for 4 days, and only with his family in VA for 2 1/2 days. I said to Wendy it'll be nice if she'd be there after we take off so at least 1 of the 2 daughters is there the whole week. She apparently can only show up on that Wednesday and leaves at noon on Thanksgiving, when everyone knows that college students have that whole weekend off.

I honestly would not have asked her if we didn't have the same parents. Driving to NC will already make my boyfriend, who has a real full time job, extremely tired, and we'll have to spend extra money, also spending way less time with his family whom he hasn't seen in a lot of years.

On the other hand, I hate to bitch but I have to let it out, her boyfriend does not have a real job, she lives in Charlotte, not 17hr away, and she won't have to spend that much since my parents pay for her stuff anyways, so by only willing to spend merely 1 day with our parents is just kind of disappointing.

I am just glad that Mete is a very good boyfriend who is very understanding, and that we could compromise on things.
Mete's family is also great, his aunt invited my parents as well, but they have to work. Mete's family really would love to meet my parents since everyone knows that we're perfect for each other, we're building a future, and they cannot wait to unite both families.

But if you look at Ernest's family, they don't care about meeting my family, they didn't even bother to talk to my parents face to face when he dared to pitch the marriage idea, Ernest and Wendy are no where near building a future anyways, at least he is not, he doesn't even bother to find a job, so the chances of uniting both families is rather slim. Just making cakes for my parents once in a while does not constitute for being "genuine".

Oh well. There's nothing anyone can do except for Wendy herself. My parents and I have accepted it and just want to make the most out of our own lives now. My dad and I actually talk a lot, and he's very proud of Mete. I am very happy that at least my end with my parents is going well, and I can make it better :) No one can replace my parents.

Fucking stupid birthday.

2009-10-24T05:31:16Z

The birthday was good. I finally got to see the Harley Davidson Museum and customized my own v-rod muscle on their computer :) John and I also got to ride a few bikes, I love the sporty ones, oh my, I did not want to leave. Beer tour was fun too. Chicago yesterday was ugh, rain and craziness, but John saw Marissa Miller, the VS super model tho haha

So the day was good until Mete saw that Michael wrote "babe" on my FB wall when he wished me a happy birthday. So now the birthday is ruined. First of all, Mete totally forgot about my birthday in the morning, even after I hinted at it. Second, yes, I know he is tired and all, but there was not one loving word or gesture. I kept trying to be lovey dovey. Third, he got annoyed at me for what Michael said, in front of John. And said that, I should have told everyone I know to NOT call me babe or things like that. I did not do anything wrong today. I had a happy day. I tried so hard to be lovey dovey with Mete because I missed him so much. And this is what I got. Just because he is taking me to Rome does not mean he can just omit my feelings, and punish me for something someone else said, I did not even do anything bad! What the hell. And he brought up someone called me babe from the past. Who? I honestly cannot recall and do not remember. The PAST. Something I put behind me. Apparently he has not. And if he cannot get over it, there will always be problems.

I left Monlin because I want absolute happiness. I am doing my best to be a good girlfriend. I ask Mete for his opinions, from buying anything over 5 dollars to what I should wear, and I even dropped my social life for him.

It is so very nice of Jon to be there for me all the time and John to come during my birthday weekend, they know that I have no friends here in this racist state. I have no social life. I try my best to be POSITIVE to the best I can and make the most out of each day, as long as Mete and I are happy. But if he cannot drop the past, then there will always be problems like this and I honestly do not want to deal with them. I just want pure happiness. We are very happy except for things like this, just because 1 guy called me babe on FB, Mete is able to ruined my whole fucking birthday.

Even my dad remembered and was nice enough to have my mom call me this morning. The day started great, you know? And a little word, babe, ruined it.

Is it so hard for Mete to just, remember my birthday, be a little bit lovey dovey, and not get angry at me for something someone said? I did not ask for the Rome trip, or anything from him, just his affection. But no, I guess it is too hard. I know he is busy and tired at work. But I did not do anything wrong today. And I try so hard to not do things he dislikes. And it is not enough.

I told myself to cut back on saying bad words. But that is ruined today too, so, FUCK this stupid birthday.

I do appreciate everyone who remembered and gave me lovely wishes tho. It is very sweet and nice.

It's time to pull myself away and stop trying to help, I've learned.

2009-10-21T06:09:44Z

JM called, vented for over an hour, so I couldn't sleep and am now exhausted. Her issues are way beyond what it was. It's on a whole new level. I officially think she maybe clinically "crazy" and needs intensive help. In the past I'd keep trying. Now I've changed. I'll not involve myself. It honestly is not my concern, even if it makes me cold-hearted.

She started attacking my personal life in order to make herself feel better. Or twist things to get reactions. First, she brought Wendy in when she was talking about her own sister. She said, "you think Wendy is messed up" and she asked why her sister wouldn't be supportive and that I need to "stop thinking Wendy's messed up." I told her, "Wendy is fine, she's not messed up, and let's not involve my life into this." And then she said I need to force Wendy to break up with "that thug," "Ernest is not even a thug, it's better for Wendy to decide for herself, let's not involve my personal life," I said. The conversation somehow went to how Mete controls me and forces me to get married. I said, "there's no forcing and no controlling. We're a happy couple." She insisted that "no one can be happy, it's all lies, I'll never get married," and I was like, "OK, it's up to you to get married anyways, do as you like, and let's not involve my personal life and my boyfriend in this." She then talked about how great and hot Mete is, and I shouldn't control him. I told her again that no one is controlling anything, we're happy, and let's not bring him into this.
Soon enough I realized there's no rationality, and I didn't bother to defend myself. I just listened. There is no logic, no reasoning, she decides to be angry at everything, and it's becoming a destructive way.

Earlier yesterday she had to say "they kill women in Aruba, it's bad," so I said "only 1 girl was murdered, not 'women', and it was a Dutch tourist, not local Arubans." She attacked Venice, "it's built for tourists, I'm telling you, it's very touristy, you don't understand." I assured her that "don't worry, I've been to many places and know what it's like, and Venice is not built for tourists, it's historical." She had to continue, "my sister went and said there are many vendors, it's bad." "I don't mind the vendors, it's the same everywhere. I'm not there for the vendors, just because they're there doesn't mean the place is bad, plus they do not decide my destinations for me, I go as I like." And then she called me a "skank." I laughed, I don't know what that has to do with Aruba and Venice. And I ended the convo.

Aruba and Venice are good places. My sister is not messed up, her boyfriend is not even a thug, and my boyfriend does not control me because he wants to marry me. Point is, she needs more than a therapist. It's OK to vent, I am not angry, but she chooses to involve my personal life, Wendy, and Mete, I need pull myself away, it is a very bad sign.

Mete got the tickets :) I cannot believe it! I'll get to walk where Caesar and his troops were, and where Cicero worked his hands to be such great orator. I hope Lamictal gets here before 10/28. Mete really didn't have to. "I just want you to have a good and stress-free October and November," he remembers my annual depression peak :) He pays attention to details and makes my happier to the best he can. He treats me like a princess, a precious pearl that he treasures in his palms. I only wish I'd do as much for him. It's not about Rome, I'm happy as long as he's there.

Hopefully we'll get to do day trips to Venice 10/30, Florence 11/1, and Pompei 11/3. Or just relax in Rome.

I better finish cleaning today. I'll start driving at 6:30am, John's flight arrives at 10:30 and morning traffic might take 1hr.

jojoelsia @ 2009-10-20T05:40:00

2009-10-20T11:23:06Z

Yesterday was fun :) We talked in the car for hours to/back from Chicago. I've never been to an Ikea and it is huge! Things are so much cheaper. Mete got Danish chocolates, and I learned sweet Danish words on the box :-P

China town was interesting, as always. Good food. Mete saw the porn section at a bookstore as we checked out recipes. He commented on how similar Chinese pastry are to Dutch when we got pearl tea. It is true, Taiwan was visited by the Dutch and Portuguese for a bit. The grocery store was disappointing :-( Meh. I was hoping for a mix of everything.

So I'll drive to Chicago again on Thursday morning as I pick up John :-P We'll see Chinatown, eat at Gino's East, walk downtown to Millennium Park, Sears Sky Deck, and maybe Navy Pier. Joan of Arc Chapel and Miller Brewery Tour in Milwaukee, and then Fat Boyz Fishfry Friday in Ticsh Mills; birthday dinner in Appleton. Egg rolls at Saturday Manitowoc farmers market, Green Bay cheese shop, Lambeau Field Tour, eat at Title Town, and downtown. On Sunday, Manitowoc submarine tour, watch football at Time Out, Two Rivers' original sundae shop, the lakeshore, and BBQ dinner.

Just when I thought sex couldn't get better; rated R- I dressed up yesterday for Mete so he was turned on throughout the day. We had aggressive sex last night and the fitted sheet was definitely destroyed. I love it when Mete takes me in school girl skirts, as if he couldn't wait. I loved everything he did as he threw me around in bed. He's so strong that I could hardly fight back. And the dirty talks and things he wanted, it was so hot. He's more active in bed since he lost 40lbs lol. I'm sad that his fluffies are gone, but whatever makes him happy and healthy.

jojoelsia @ 2009-10-19T05:33:00

2009-10-19T12:23:11Z

I woke up with a strange dream. I haven't had nightmares in a while (what a relief) so this was odd.
At first I was still married to Monlin. It was the same- he was who he was. I did something or broke something, I was afraid he'd yell at me. But then I got angry, at that moment he suddenly became nicer and started blending with Mete. We traveled, he was either Monlin or Mete. I was confused and didn't know whom I was married to, but felt obligated to both. We went to a girl's party, she said a person we don't wish to see will be there. Mete immediately wanted to leave, she then said that person won't arrive until later, so Mete stayed. Then it was Monlin again, he was actually pleasant around my friends, and treated me nicely as he started separating from Mete, I began to know that I was with Mete yet still somewhat obligated to Monlin. When we left the party, it was late and Monlin's house was far away, so I agreed to let him come to my little cozy studio with Mete. He was awfully nice, I was still confused. I turned on the TV to entertain him while I waited for Mete to come home. Monlin talked about how I clearly still had feelings as long as he's nice, so "we should be back together." By this time I remembered the divorce, I felt bad but I began to separate myself from those familiar old feelings I had for him. I wanted to distract him with the PS3. He asked if Mete'd like it when he finds me being alone with him. I was confident, "Mete trusts me as long as I'm honest." Monlin challenged me to call Mete, I did but he didn't pick up. Monlin then called Kerry for a ride. Mete called back, "it's OK we'll give him a ride." He came back with a leg injury and a bad day at work, said "I'll clean up the wound quickly and then we'll take him home." Monlin couldn't stand seeing us so he started walking home. I told Mete I'll say goodbye real quick as I went after Monlin, "it's late and dangerous, you can talk about your wife when we drive you home." Monlin said no and hugged me. I hugged him back, it felt all so familiar, and I said "you should've always been nice and I hated you for treating me like shit." He said "I know, but it's not too late," "it is too late, I need to go back to Mete," so he left. I was sad watching him walk away but I was worried about Mete. And then the alarm went off.
It was a good evolution of my feelings, concluded everything, my anger, confusion, and guilt, Monlin's old self and his attempt to change and get me back with guilt traps, also Mete's calm character and his good heart. I am glad that I stopped being confused and remained by Mete's side. I woke with sad old feelings yet relieved.

Oh, I re-thought the whole traveling thing.

I was a good housewife yesterday. I made dinner. Mete came home from a horrible day at work, I stopped talking immediately and gave my full attention. I tried to make him feel better by making fun of the SROs and that he and Hank did a good job. We then talked about the trips.

He works so hard for us, I want to save badly, but his happiness is important. We forgot that instead of 8 days in Dec, it's actually 12 days now so Aruba's is expensive. Rome is cheap now off season with nice weather. Aruba is a good escape from Wisconsin winter, so perhaps it's better to do Rome and then Aruba. I know it's a lot of traveling: 10/28-11/10, 11/20-11/28 drive to NC/VA Thanksgiving, 12/9-12/18, 12/19-12/21 NC graduations. This means we can't pay off 1 car loan. We'll have hardly any savings. I don't know. Or we can do Aruba now and only NC in Dec.

I've gotten so used to Racism that I don't even get upset anymore :-P

2009-10-15T11:59:43Z

Regained some lost voice. I hope this is it with this newly "fortified" immune system. Why does my body adapt to medicines so quickly? Aspirin and tylenol don't do the trick no more. I should've hired a personal trainer =.= I need the motivation to be active, but since my ankle injury and being ill, I find too many excuses.

Four Seasons refused to serve us on Tuesday night. Racism. Sigh. Such unhappy people.

It's so good to get the credit cards out of the way :) If Mete gets that NRC $50,000/year nuke scholarship, then he'd go for NCSU engineering degrees, we'd need all of our savings as emergency funds along with VA and GI Bill. I want to save. I am so jealous. Seems like, no matter what I do or what grades I get, I can never have as much money as he does.

Mete revealed my birthday surprised; as I guessed, a trip to Venice or Rome, he wanted me to pick one. It is very nice, but also so expensive. Plus he already wanted to go to Aruba, I'd love the watersports, and it'll be cheaper than Italy, so I told him to go for the cheapest option; I'll fall in love with all 3 places. Rome would be amazing, but too expensive.

Jon said he doesn't see me as a prosecutor/lawyer. He thinks I'm too nice. Just when I thought he knows me well lol

J-M talked on the phone for 2+ hr on Saturday. She vented, I listened. I tried to tell her that anger doesn't accomplish anything, she'll have to stand up and work for what she wants. Coming from Chinese culture, I understand her African culture's so-called "pride" and "honor", which can be trivial at times in the wrong situation and only be ego blocks. She didn't listen. Once again, if what's she's been doing isn't working, why not calm down and try something new?

We're heading to Chicago tomorrow. Maybe. I'm having second thoughts. It's a long drive. But Mete craves good Chinese food, and I want to stop by Ikea for some cheap yet chic organization boxes.

I'm thankful of inspirations everywhere, and my ability to find them (when I want to) in life. They're like fairies :)

Wednesday was fun. We were still sick, but slept a lot. For a good reason. We had sex 5 times. I usually have my eyes closed during the deed, until Wednesday when I put away my shyness. Mete liked it, he wanted it for so long but I was always too embarrassed. It was hot. I liked looking at his masculine face. I also finally broke down and let him get the little vibrator he always wanted, I'm just not into toys and masturbating. So, 2 of his fantasies, done.

Saturday night was fun, too. After Mete talked about taking me to Venice or Rome for my birthday, we had a good conversation about his job and our families. And then we had sex. At first it was the romantic, passionate sex, but then he really turned me on and it became animalistic. It was so good :) He's a sex God. And it helped me to sleep.

When love and duty are one, grace is within you

2009-10-12T04:13:29Z

10/13 5:56am

We'll have no money in our checking tomorrow. Yay :) But at least we'll finally be credit card free!

I find a very strange thing about many of us:
We do what we do. We think we know the best to do for us. Yet nothing changes. We are not exactly happy about everything. When someone else outside of the box tells us a better solution, we don't take it, and still think that ours is the best. So if nothing has changed as long as we've gone down this same road, then why don't we try those new ways suggested by good people we trust? Is it pride? Fear of not being right? Or just insanity?

Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Same goes with happiness.
My mother said she used different ways with my dad, but nothing worked, so she goes back to the oldest way that didn't change the most. She settles for the same life, being the victim, and keeps claiming others "don't understand".
When you accuse anyone of not "understanding", you're actively shutting off any attempt to at least try to communicate.
"You don't understand." How convenient.

So do a few girls I know who aren't that happy with their own relationships. They're too predictable, those men know they won't leave, they won't do anything about anything, so men keep doing what they do.

I think it's insanity and ignorance.
Some people thought I was insane to leave Monlin, and that I was cold-bloodedly cruel.
I thought that if I were more like Mete, if I were smarter, calmer, and able to slowly feed positive influence to Monlin, then he'd be different, then we'd be happier. But no. Not everyone is capable of admitting a failure, or a defect of their personalities, and then change. Even if I were a better person, doesn't mean he would be one. He's molded exactly like his parents, neither does he have the will to break the mold. This still saddens me--- He'll never be happy. But at least I know it's not my fault.

I am starting to see what Mete sees in me. I don't settle. I look for new ways; it is hard, but I try it. We challenge each other, but never forget that we love each other and nothing, no pride, no piety, no money, shall ever be bigger than love. I finally learned how to be moderately humble in love- not so humble that I give up what I want. I learn from him. We surprise each other. Everyday is a story. We write it creatively. We have no limits. A big bear and a little bunny running freely in the never ending forest.

This is the best part about life. We don't settle, we don't deprive ourselves in love, we don't love blindly, we are not together because we have no choice. We voice our feelings when there's something the other person does that we don't like, and we try, maybe it takes lots of time, but we keep trying to be a better person to make each other happy- to make each other happy, not to keep our old ways, our pride, or to make sure that we're never wrong. Honestly, I need to keep working on this one, I was so used to fight for my rights and pride with Monlin, I often forget that I don't need to do the same with Mete. Mete is not set out to be the right, dominant one. I don't need to fight to prove I'm right. We just both want to be the best we can for each other. And Mete doesn't change me, it is hard, but he guides me, and then I keep finding pieces of myself, he also keeps being just, "Mete". A big bear and a little bunny, the bear doesn't try to make the bunny into a bear, the bunny doesn't ask the bear to be a bunny. We just, running freely in the world :)

10/12 3:40pm

"Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want."- Ingrid Magnussen, my quote of the day.
I like powerful, strong women. They're the weakest in disguise. And they're the hardest to love, yet need love the most.

Still sick.
I got a surprise for Mete when he comes home. I hope he's not too tired.

I don't know if the stuff I wrote on FB was understood by my friend. That's the most I can do for her. The rest is up to her. And if she doesn't have the strength, at least I tried. There's no cure for weakness. It'll either make us stronger or kill us. She really needs to know men, especially her stupid ass boyfriend. He is calculable. A man is a man, he sees what he sees, and does what he can. And what he does determines if he's rotten or virtuous. It's that simple. Oh well.

Diana is so cute :) I kind of feel bad that we won't be really seeing her in November :( She got a new place and keeps wanting me to see it. Neither will us really see Jon :( Or anyone else. But it's OK. Mete wants to spend good time with my parents. This is a rather bitter sweet ordeal for me. I'm too sharp for my mom now, sometimes. She freaks out. She hates it when I speak with a needle of truth. But I can't hide like her. I know what I know. And it's OK to be honest.

10/11 11:27pm
I forgot to mention that I watched The Painted Veil. Naomi Watts and Edward Norton. Oh. Both were superb. The tone of the movie draws your emotions in; you can't help but feel it. I'm really glad I watched it. "Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people."

Our first snow is tomorrow. Like, in several hours. Much earlier than last year. Mete's not happy about it.

My nostrils are now useless. Stuffed like domus. It's amazing how we're designed with sinus spaces to lighten our skulls, but can also be filled with trouble should the right conditions strike. I lost my voice as well.

Mete said things are going well so he'll get my secret birthday present. I love how he wants to keep a surprise but can't wait to drop little hints here and there, like a little boy, and he's so excited. But I seriously don't want anything. Just him.

Sex was good. I jumped Mete. I missed him so much that I craved him as dessert after dinner. I initiated role play. I know what he wanted. Twice :) I sucked him dry, figuratively. OK, kind of literally, too. Let's just say our fitted bed sheet tore lol :-P
I'm glad I bought the $9.89 on sale bedset at Target. Mete fell asleep when I was done with him. I traced his face with my fingers. I dropped kisses on his skin. And I kept stroking his arms. But I also cough and sneeze, so I left the bedroom to let him sleep tight. Love makes my heart so warm that I want to melt with him as one.

It was a good day, until...

2009-10-11T19:33:14Z

7:16am
The lower half of my head is stuffed, feeling as if my ears are burning. I woke up this morning and was strangely happy, that I caught whatever Mete has. He works so much now, I miss him a lot. Being sick with him makes me feel less away from him.

2:25pm
OK, so my bff was talking to me, spent hours typing Chinese to her. I usually don't ask about her daily life, I am not there but I know exactly what's going on. It sort of just came up. She kept on saying, "you are so right, how do you know? You haven't even met him yet! No wonder you're into psychology." Yep, I know, I don't need to meet a douche bag to know a douche bag.
And then she also kept on saying, "but I'm waiting for him to change... It's harder to leave him with the baby. I'm waiting to see if he changes next year." Next YEAR? Let's do the math: if he didn't change last year, last week, and today, what makes anyone think he'd change next year?

Some women are just asking to be miserable. She's really doing this to herself. Pain is so romanticized. Though it's just fool's work. He'll never love you, he never loved you, neither will he love your baby. The baby is just a tool to keep you around and tie you down.

Oh, let me introduce this dude: He won't move out. His mom won't let him move out. He has a half ass job because real jobs are too hard for him, plus he's got daddy and mommy. He made promises that were never fulfilled. He's not a man, but a boy who pretends to be a man just because he has a dick and 2 balls. Wait, I think. Does he have balls? Probably not. And probably fucks like a caterpillar, which is many Asian men. And no, I don't know how caterpillars fuck, no, actually, caterpillars DON'T fuck! They're babies! That's right. So he cannot even fuck like a caterpillar. And, he is one of the UGLIEST Asian men I've ever seen. You'd think it was a flat faced buffalo in the picture. I seriously don't want to meet him and face how ugly he is. It'll make me cry. And I'm sure he's stupid so talking to him would suffocate me. And then I'll ask Mete to please punch him. Or I will.

Anyways. My headache got so much bigger that it's not even funny.
Some girls just cannot change. And there's no one to blame but themselves. I was one of them.
I am not angry at her. She reminds me so much of my old self that I am worked up over myself, that I was stupid once.

I just want Mete to come home. I dislike being sick. He keeps me sane.

Some girls want their own Jim; I already have my Mete, who'd jump firehoops for me :)

2009-10-10T04:40:04Z

My weddings plans don't look that good anymore compared to the Office wedding: Pam's dress, her torn veil, Jim's cut tie, and the boat... it was all perfect! Mete said he actually thought of proposing to me at Niagara Falls because I love waterfalls, I loved Cave of the Winds, and Maid of Mist. He said he can't do that anymore lol :P

I mean, he's already "proposed" in many ways. Everytime he speaks of our future is a proposal :) Everytime he says he loves me is a vow. We ARE practically a married couple. I asked if he wanted to get married somewhere, alone, just the TWO of us, on an island far away. We won't worry about people driving to the Outer Banks. Or his parents, or Alim looking all cute but possibly terrorizing everything :P And I don't want to invite a few people yet I might have no choice.

Mete wants a good celebration, and our families won't like it if they weren't there. OK, we'll have an awesome beach wedding, delish and budget friendly Turkish food instead of expensive fancy western dishes like every bride. I studied decors by David Tutera, Preston Bailey, and Fete NY. I can do the same on a small 45-70 guests scale.

Some people at Mete's work are sick, so is he, now I'm also sick. It feels better than hormonal pain, but I hate feeling like puking every 10 minutes. Fevers, cough, and sneezy stuffy nose I can handle; puking, NO.

I wish I had mileage for flight tickets. Cyndi needs a vacay, Jon wants to come to WI, and Kristin needs a honeymoon!

Gathering and reading more cases on miscarriages and infertility

2009-10-07T10:29:18Z

I took a good nap yesterday morning. Sleep! Much needed sleep helped with the headaches. My hormones are finally waving a white flag, too. I feel better, but still pulled an all nighter despite the sleep meds last night. Looks like I'm back to making fresh juice and prepping Mete's meds every morning :) But now I'm sleepy. I'll try to stay awake.

It'll be sweet if we'd pay off 1 car loan and 2 cards soon. I'm excited in a silly way. Our pathetic savings will shrink, but it's actually a big saving in the long run: the rates of most loans are greater than most savings'. This is when I don't know why some people horde their student loans in a less APR CD account, instead of paying off debts with higher rates. And when you show them the math, they still do it. Ignorance or pure stupidity? Makes me wonder.

I finally came up with the perfect way to organize the office and piles of papers. Better work it today.

According to the trend of my hormones, things aren't looking good.
I read an article about a woman who also has abnormal menstrual cycle. She didn't know she was pregnant until 6ish week with frequent irregular bleeding. By week 8, she miscarried after 2-3 days of heavy bleeding. It fits that winter when I had to make a decision: strange bleeding, 2 days of heavy amount before I took the termination pills.
And once I took them, it didn't hurt as much as the second time when Mete and I lost our blighted ovum baby.

Another article was a woman also has the same conditions. She took the termination pills and didn't have pain or heavy bleeding. The doctors thought she possibly lost the baby already so the pills didn't have to work hard. Now, I wonder, if I did a sonogram first, then maybe we'd find out that the baby was already gone, and I wouldn't have to guilt myself with the abortion. The nurse at PPH strongly suggested it, but I was afraid that I'd change my mind after seeing the baby. I also had to get it done asap or D. Skinner would come to Chapel Hill. I just wanted to get out of there. But, maybe, it'd be better if he was there, if I got the sonogram to show him that there was nothing I could do to keep it.

I mean, look at my history: I think, I've had at least 1 or 2 miscarriages before that winter. (Let's just say that even Magnum condoms break). 30%+ women don't know when they have miscarriages in many cases, I think I was one of them according to the symptoms, so that winter might've been my 2nd or 3rd miscarriage, and the blighted ovum might've been my 3rd or 4th. I probably didn't have to take the termination pills at all.

The patterns fit: look at the irregular hormonal stress I've dealt with for over 5 years now. So this is either good or scary: Many women have a few miscarriages before health pregnancies; my mom had that before she had me. If so, I might have a good pregnancy next time. Or, the patterns go on according to how my body's been acting for 5 years.

The Time Traveler's Wife made me cry, especially the scenes when they kept losing babies.

I wish I didn't give Monlin any chance to violate me, so I wouldn't start birth control so young. I reacted very badly to all sorts of birth control, the staff at PPH wanted me to stop. Monlin insisted that I keep taking them. The bad signs were overlooked. I should've known by the way my body reacted so violently, such loud protest I ignored for a man who didn't care about my health and well-being at all.

I let all of those things happen to me. I hold myself responsible. I blame myself. All the birth control I took for Monlin possibly messed my body up, which might've caused 1-2 miscarriages before the D.Skinner case. And then I had the blighted ovum. It's all my fault. I was weak. I should've protected myself from all kinds of violation.

Oh well. I'll keep getting myself healthy. Infertility or not, we'll find out when it's time.

Pick-Your-Own Apple orchards make a fun and cheap date :)

2009-10-05T05:17:25Z

What would you do if you won 2 million bucks after taxes?

Friar Tucks has this cute German decor :)

Apple picking was fun. Wagon rides, apple trees everywhere, pumpkin patches, families, kids, laughter, warm apple cider, and caramel apples. All the apples we picked were only $8.45! Mete said we'll pick the pumpkins later. I took many photos, and he did most of the picking. I picked 5 apples! Mete was like, "wow, it'll be fun picking cherries with you, all the 5 cherries you'll pick." But we missed the cherry season :( Mete is gonna teach me his awesome apple pie and warm spiced cider :) The 1st freeze will come soon.

I am jealous of Mete. He can have jobs like NASA, or an engineering degree at NCSU easily, but he likes working more.

Mete said he has a surprise for my birthday... I don't want anything except for knowing that everyone is doing well.

My body is still rioting. Aspirin and sleeping meds :( My head is so heavy, I asked Mete to hold my hair up to rest my neck, he said, "this is creepy... You look like a shrunken head." This headache will break my 8 days record, not in a good way. Life is good but not as fun when I can't sleep with all the body aches. But, pain makes us realize that we're alive, so it's all good :)

I hope Cyndi feels better soon :(

When can I sleep?

2009-10-03T07:10:23Z

I'm wondering, exactly how long my life can go on with insomnia? I take Lamictal at bedtime, Aspirin to minimize the hormonal pain, and sleep pills. Mete has to sleep no later than 9pm, so we go to bed and cuddle at 8. But I stay awake.

John is coming on the 22nd, I'm supposed to pick him up in Chicago. Hopefully I'll be able to fly back to NC for 1 day to attend Kristin's reception, and then get on the same flight as John. I'm watching our money closely.

Timur is borrowing our card for a ticket to Thailand. Mete joked, "our money finds a way to disappear; now my family is spending for us." Yea, $3000 to Baba, now $800 to Timur. Maybe he'll pay back, I don't know lol. And Thailand again?

Mete found a list of apple orchards :) We're going apple picking and visiting a vineyard on Sunday, his day off.

The deepest disappointment in life comes from my own family.

2009-10-01T17:39:06Z

So, I invited my sister to come to WI to visit during Christmas, I offered to pay for her tickets and everything, including in Chicago.
But, at first she didn't have plans, as soon as I asked, she had to "consult" with her boyfriend, and then all of a sudden they were planning to visit NYC, note: during Christmas and New Years, instead of seeing his own sister.

As I predicted, NYC is too expensive for their part time salary, so they canceled the "plan," an effort to not visit her own sister.
Now she said they're planning to visit Chicago instead. It will be cheaper, but, during Christmas and New Years, you still need a good little chunk of shekels. Chicago is 3 hours away from my place, like, Charlotte to Chapel Hill. So, my sister will visit Chicago with her boyfriend instead of me, when I offered to pay for everything, all I asked for was some time with her, like I wanted when I drove to Charlotte in March.

Also consider this: they have never been to big cities on their own, neither are they adventurous enough to drive to Wilmington, so, I want to know what makes them think they can tackle Chicago, on a part time budget, during Christmas and New Years, in the snow, on their own.

Oh, let's not forget, the reason my sister won't come to WI to see me, according to her, is because it's too cold. Both NYC and Chicago aren't that much warmer than Wisconsin in December. So, let's keep that in mind.
Soon enough, they'll scratch Chicago, and maybe just head to Charlotte downtown, where they kind of live anyways, for New Years Eve. Or, better, Raleigh, but even that I highly doubt.

Moreover, now I am very curious: What does Ernest have that enchants my own sister to such a great extent that, she'd listen to every commend of his, including disowning her sister, not wanting to spend Thanksgiving with her family, not wanting to go home for her birthday, not spending 1 Saturday with her sister who drove all the way from WI to Charlotte in March, which added about 1hr of the trip, and on Christmas, this gets better, be on the phone with her boyfriend16 hours out of 24.

Let's talk about March. I asked her 2 weeks in advance if she had anything to do that Friday night/Saturday, she said "no", but the night before I drove down, she suddenly had homework to do.
1. Why didn't she do her homework ahead, if she really cared about seeing her sister?
2. And, I successfully "lured" the truth out when she came back to Chapel Hill, I said, "did you have fun in Statesville yesterday?" Without thinking, she cheerfully replied, "Yea I did!" Wow, that was easy to find out, she was not doing homework, it was more like, she was doing Ernest in Statesville. And Ernest was there, in my house, when it was MY time to visit my family; as a result, I didn't get to enjoy my own home as much as I'd like.

Now, I am very curious, what does Ernest have?
Is he that super handsome? I don't think so, but I am biased and skewed when it comes to Japanese wannabes who are worse than Japanese men who are not motivated in life, only read comics or play games instead of having a real job. So, I can't say.

Is he that rick? Nah, he doesn't have a full time job because it's "too stressful" so what makes you think he makes money at all? Unless you count his parents, brother, and sister, they make at least more than he does, and I'm sure they help him out when needed.

Is he that smart? I'd say no. Anyone smart enough will teach their girlfriends to come up with better lies and excuses. And have you seen his grades in school? And his temper and unsatisfactory ego? Yea, I know, anything ticks him off, so he made my sister cry a lot on the phone that Christmas, smart men try to keep their girlfriends happy, because, that's true love.

Does he have an interesting personality? If he had one to begin with. His personalities are composed of all the comics he read. I honestly don't know who that kid is, and which comic book is he from today?

Here, we finally got to a very important, very vital question:
Does he have a huge dick, and fucks like Helen of Troy with her arse on fire, or bloody masculine Spartans?
......
1. He wears skinny jeans. Like, tight skinny jeans Japanese men love. And we all know the dicks most Japanese have. 6in is the limit.
2. He is practically Japanese, have you seen Japanese porn? Rape happens a lot. They don't care about women's pleasure either. Asian men are selfish when it comes to sex, they want women to do all the work and please them all they want, or they get angry, and it the women don't cum, it's the women's fault, it's never because the men have small dicks and fuck like old grandmothers toads slowly leaping forward.

So, what does he have?
Maybe I am wrong, maybe he has some hidden talent I don't know, like, 2 dicks? Or he's a secret super hero? Or he's a good cook?
Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

In the meantime, my own family has proven to me that, flesh and blood mean bullocks to them. Except for my parents. I know my mom will stop a bullet for me, she's a great mom. I know my dad will... Hm, OK, be very nice to my children when he's sober. I know he loves me, he just shows it differently.

My Uncle John and aunt are not likely to attend our wedding, even in the Outer Banks, even with lodging provided, even with a chance to unite with the family before they get too old and die.

My Uncle Sam listens to my Aunt Libby, my Aunt Libby loves going to Florida for her Buddhist stuff, but when it comes to family, she wouldn't even have dinner with me before we moved to Wisconsin. I used to see my Uncle Sam as a hero, I thought he really cares about our family, I mean, look at what he's done for my grandpa! But I guess that wears away. I think he's really smart, but I'd never get his approval, unless I get straight A's or go to Harvard. I don't think he'll ever understand how much I love him.

My Aunt Maria hates me as we all know. I'm demonized.

My Aunt Betty, who has the least money, is the most likely to come to my wedding. Though I feel guilty that I couldn't go to Natasha's wedding. But she's the one with some heart. I'll give her 50% of a chance to come to the Outer Banks.

My grandma in Taiwan is crazy. I'll buy her a ticket, but I don't know if she'd come.

My uncles and aunts in Taiwan? Making money is more important than seeing America. Or, letting their kids to come to America for their oldest cousin's wedding. To Asian parents, seeing the world is not good enough than studying crap all day.

Bob, whom I consider my mentor, an uncle I look up to since the first time I met him, and the man my 13 yr old self modeled after as the standard of mate choosing, has disappeared for a long while. I still email him, there's so much I want to tell him, but I guess it's time to stop bugging him. I grew up mentor-less in Taiwan, I didn't speak to him since the age of 16-21, so, I'll be fine with or without an uncle I look up to, and I can stop waiting for his email, and stop being sad when I don't receive one. He said he'll always love me, but again, that's a man talking, I'm glad I only took 1/3 of it. I just regret that I never told him my true feelings, that he's an uncle I trusted and loved as much as my Uncle Sam, that I looked up so much to his accomplishments, his wonderful wife, and just, him, who always looked me in the eyes without criticism.

My cousins? I am actually speechless. I've got nothing left to say about them.

My sister? I bet you, if, I said, I don't want to see Ernest on my own wedding, then she'd stay in Statesville with him. This is when Niagara Falls wedding sounds good- the dude doesn't have a legal passport, good luck going to the Canadian side.

Wow, my own family, flesh and blood, doesn't matter how many cards I send them, doesn't matter how much I care, it's just that.

Now if you look at Mete's family...... I am jealousy. I am insanely jealous of him. And I cannot wait to see his family on Thanksgiving.

Here, is another piece of good info Wendy needs: How to Teach Your Boyfriend the Importance of Your Family 101

For Thanksgiving, I told Mete I WILL drive to Chapel Hill to see my parents for at least 1 night, it's 5hours 1 way, by the way, he didn't like it, but I didn't give in, so, he'll take extra days off, just so we can both drive to NC first, and he insisted that we spend all 3 days with my family, no friends, just family, since I tend to spend too much time with friends or making plans to see them when 1/3 of them don't even show up. Mete really misses my dad's alcohol, and my mom's food. And then we'll drive to VA and spend 3 1/2 days with his family.

This, is how you do it: Find a good man who understands family values, who only cares about making YOU happy, and who RESPECTS your family from the bottom of his virtuous heart. And who is there to consult you and comfort you with reason when your sister makes you cry every month.

What did I learn from my own family?
Never, never, never, turn my back on my parents. They're my true flesh and blood.

My hormones are killing me. I am very frustrated because even my boobs hurt so bad that I can't even jump with my 1 good ankle.