Heading to Guatemala in less than 22 hours. Got so much to do. Yea, I procrastinate even when it comes to traveling.

A little scared tho. Will be my 1st time ever visiting a whole new country, that speaks a language I have no idea about (Spanish is never my thing), without family and friends. It's great to travel with Prof. D. and Kym, but honestly I don't really know them that well.

Kind of sad about leaving Mete behind, too. He's been a little gloomy about it. I feel so bad that I almost don't wanna go. I hope he'll take good care of himself while I'm gone for 9-10 days. Eat healthy and all.

Online Check-In failed =.= WTF. Really don't wanna deal with airport check-in. I'm already checking 2 bags for Kym, don't wanna deal with more, especially when I have to start driving at 1:00am to Milwaukee, meet her at her house at 3:00am. I better be able to sleep at 7:00pm tonight. Um, what are the chances =.=

Things to do:

Exercise 8:30-9
Laundry 9:30-11
Do dishes, clean kitchen 10-11
Pack. (My own stuff and Kym's) 11-12
Get more travel size sunblock and bug spray 12-1:30
Call my parents 12-1:30
Make egg rolls for Mete 2-3

That's about it. I'm also treating myself to Chinese and Japanese soups so I get my Asian comfort food craving out of the way.
Wondering if I should bring a book. Or just get a Shape magazine at the airport, if I do get bored. I like traveling light. But what if Kym and I run out of stuff to talk about? Ha. Plus I like my quiet time on flights.


Congrats Kristin! I am very happy for you. And it was very nice of you to call, I feel very privileged to be able to share your happiness :) I already found a couple of magazines you may enjoy. I love hearing your very happy voice. It brightened my day, and it meant so much to me.


( Mete :) Love love love.  )

So, it is established:
The lowest possible grade I get without studying, in all of my classes is a B. Except for math.

So, if I do study like everyone else, I should have no problem with A's.
This is when I hate myself for not being able to study.
I'm still working on centralizing/channeling racing thoughts. It's gotten better, but not enough, it takes too long.
I also need at least 7 hours of sleep when fall semester starts.
And I refuse to up the dosage of Lamictal and be completely emotionless and empty.
Sleeping pills don't work. Muscle relaxation and breathing therapy don't work as well.
I can't have B's forever. I'm more relaxed about not getting straight A's all the time, but still.
Oh well. I'll figure something out, one way or another.

Had one of the worst nightmare ever. Nothing is worse than dreaming about my family getting hurt and on the edge of dying for hours. So scared. So frightened.

Went to Milwaukee for appointments. Got immunization shots. Didn't feel so good for the rest of the day.
Had a wrap up session with therapist, it was sad.
Stopped by Kym's for Guatemala trip business. Her dogs wouldn't get off of me, so cute! 
Went to Milwaukee Humane Center, saw cute animals, bought their raffle for a red Smart fortwo. That's gotta be the best, most friendly, and cleanest animal shelter we've ever seen.
Ate "Mongolian"- not, sometimes I love how American restaurants come up with some ideas and name it some other culture but indeed it's not good food. Mete wanted it badly, so.
Got some things at Trader Joe's. We've been doing really good about not grocery shopping at normal stores, not even Festival, and I'm trying to reduce it from once 2 weeks to once 3 weeks. Farmer's Market now has blueberries, strawberries, watermelon, and cherries, that makes my fruit needs satisfied. Hopefully apples will come soon! Good Lord, I really don't know what to do in the winter when Farmer's Market stops.
Came home, had a steamy session. But felt sicker afterward so I took a short nap.
I was bitchy. Ask Mete. Anything easily irritated me. I was a real bitch.
Saw Bruno. So funny. But felt sicker afterward.
Got even worse after Lamictal. I was so confused, sad, and had headaches.
So, of course, it was the night with the worst nightmare possible. 

Ha, haha, I'm so convinced that ****** still ***** this.

OK, so, Mete's gonna play with his jetski in the morning when he comes back from work. I'll go, take photos of the lake and things as practice. Hopefully exercise some as well at some point tomorrow. 

And I successfully found eco friendly full cover wetsuits with a reasonable price that helps to fund eco organizations.

Yes, very exciting:  Not only am I gonna start a pictorial travel book, Jon is starting his own movie/show critique site! I read a sample of his writing, and man, it's creative, funny, unlike those boring movie critiques that make you fall asleep after the 3rd sentence. I am so excited for him! He's gone through so much these 2 years, I'm just so glad that he's gonna finish his degree online, keep drinking and watching movies (yea... that he'll never change), and start his own site.

He thinks my pictorial travel book idea is good too. He was at the waiting room with him mom during his doc appointment, he flipped through some magazines that had photos of different countries, and told his mom that it'll be a great job for me :) Since I already take a crap load of photos, make my own cards, might as well put them to work. It is so touching that he knows me good, and funny that when he sees a crap load of pictures, he thinks of my crap load of photos on Facebook haha :D

So, this is so cool, I'm gonna keep reading his writings, help him with the site, and he'll give me feedback on my pictorials.



I've been in a romantic mood for a few weeks now. Moulin Rouge is in my opinion one of the best romance movies. I can relate so much to it. "Everyman wants her, only one dares to love her." That has to puncture your heart.
Pullo and Eranee in Rome is something I can relate to as well. He calls her princess, she doesn't get the jokes, and his playful ways.
Too bad both girls died tho. There is something about death that has been romanticized too much, even for me, an ex-suicidal.

Watched Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason... Good Lord, VULGAR. The first movie was OK, kind of cute. This one? Really? Well, I do appreciate their effort of piling all the possible mistakes women can make in relationships, and life, into 1 woman, who is portrayed authentically by Renne Z. She is awesome. But the character, Bridget? Ugh. That killed my romantic mood.

And then I proceeded onto Cruel Intentions. WOW. I can relate a lot to it as well. "I don't trust myself with you." Almost flawless performance. The ending was kind of... Eeh, of course the boy died saving the girl's life, saying I love you and all. The whole movie can be realistic in real life, except for that part. Too Romeo & Juliet. Not that anything's wrong with it, but, really, not realistic in 1999. Overall, I liked it.



I am tempted to just stop school so we can move in November, at Mete's 1 year mark, so we can just travel for months, so I can really start my book, and learn everything I need to about photography and creative writing. And just have fun. I don't need straight A's in school to prove anything anymore. I don't need a degree to prove myself. 

But, I'll keep going. For one, I do like learning. Two, a degree is a back up. Three, I love psychology and am good at it, especially now that so many pieces of myself are coming back, that I'm putting my heart back together. Four, really, it's about time to finish what I started, and just, have FUN with it! Every road leads to the same place.

Northern Wisconsin can be dreadful, I particularly hate the racism. But Marquette is fine. The upcoming theology and philosophy classes I chose will be fun, and man, do I love learning about Christianity or what? Seriously, now hardly any Christian can argue with me, not even Catholics. And philosohpy? Why not. Ethics is always fun. Something I feel strongly about.

Yes, it'll all be fine, just 1 more year in Wisconsin, just 1 more year, keep looking to the good and positive sides, Julia. 1 more year and then the World Cup in South Africa, hopefully seeing the Angel Falls in Venezuella, visiting Taiwan and Asia, and please please move to Europe. Most importantly, I can finally spend more quality time with Mete, and work on my photography and the book.

Jean-Marie asked how I know that I love Mete. And why. I couldn't come up with a concrete answer. Instead I told her my feelings

I was making pesto tonight. So, how do I know and why do I? Still no concrete answers I can put in words.
It doesn't matter. In the end, the why doesn't matter. The reason why I love him is that, there is no need for one. What matters is that I do, and it just is.

Toledo, once the Glass City, is run down. Detroit is silent. Ontario is beautiful. Niagara Falls is astonishing. Buffalo wings are yummy.

Sushi didn't turn out as great as I'd hoped. But will improve.
Making stuffed zucchini and squash, and raspberry pudding today.
Tomorrow, Chinese spring rolls and hot and sour soup.
The day after, perfecting my asparagus tomato angel hair, and salad with ingredients from farmer's market.
Friday, my perfected fried rice with vegan ground beef & veggies, and Chinese marinated cucumbers Mete loves.

I made another batch of postcards, much prettier than the waterfalls ones, since this one has Chicago St. Patties weekend green river on the front, and in the back, 2 small photos of the Golden Gate Bridge, San Francisco and Windmill Island, Michigan. This batch is mainly for my family and friends in Taiwan. They won't appreciate natural stuff like the waterfalls as much, plus Taiwan has plenty of those.

I am getting better at this making postcards business. Saves money, too. With a total of $30-50 (depending on ink), I can print 100-150 postcards. So far I've made about 55. But I'll cut back on it, combine photos from Toronto, Niagara Falls, and Buffalo on 1 card. And Guatemala, the Netherlands, and Turkey on 1.

Or I'll mix & match. Some cards I send to some people, I won't feel like writing anything, so I'll just print photos to replace writing, like, 2 in the front and 4 in the back. Only thing I'll have to write will be their addresses.



I need to look up places to play at in Toronto, Niagara Falls, and Buffalo. We'll spend about 1 day at each place. So some research on tight time traveling like we did in San Francisco is much needed. I'm glad that both Mete and I are great at walking and traveling fast, so we'd see all the major stuff in such short time, yet enjoy them so much at the same time.



I found a rock climbing place, at Sheboygan's YMCA, they have a wall. Perfect for me to learn and practice before I hit the real rocks somewhere down the future. I'm scared of heights, but, if I'd rock climb like nobody's business, then that's one more fear out of the way, and great exercise. Plus I pass through Sheboygan on my way to Milwaukee all the time anyways.

Devil's Lake State Park near Madison is a good snorkeling spot. No, it won't be like pretty blue tropical water, but good enough. Mete and I will visit Madison at some point, so we'll just stop by on the way. If not then, snorkeling in the poor it is. I figured it'll be good before I scuba dive for real.

I am excited about the 1st flying lesson in late August. I won't have time to do the other lessons tho, but better to start then never. Plus it'll make future lessons easier.



Yea, this is my ideal way of living life. Going to places, and learning new stuff as much as possible. I might as well get my travel bug and adventurous heart satisfied and out of the way before 19 credit hours! 

And I refuse to keep visiting the same places I've been to. Unless I have family there. I mean, why not go somewhere new? Like, San Fracisco, I might go back next year to see my uncle. I need to go to as many new places as possible. I need new challenges. I need to put myself out of my comfort zone all the time.

That being said, I won't be visiting NC until October or later. The previous 3 trips were mainly for my parents. I don't get homesick, I've moved so much that it's a norm. I mean, what can be bigger than moving from Hong Kong to Taiwan, and Taiwan to North Carolina? Been there done that. This is why I look forward to moving to Europe. Even if it fell through, oh well, I tried my best, there is always a next time to move.

I know many people would prefer visiting the same places without going to a new place first, and they may think I'm strange, but oh well, they can say what they want, I may be too restless and eager to soak up everything new under the sun.

The more one cares the more likely he/she'll get hurt. Especially by the ones whom he/she cares the most.
I'm sure all of us learn more of this as we age.

I am tired of the hurt.
I am not a perfect person. I have skewed views and behaviors. I am flawed, I make mistakes, I fix mistakes, I learn from my mistakes, and I stand up for what I've learn, just like everyone else. And I want to be loved and accepted by the ones I care about, just like everyone else.

Things I say can be bitchy. Thoughtless. Inconsiderate. People may perceive them and go, "what's wrong with her? That's so stupid." And I am fine with not saying the perfect things or doing the perfect things at this stage of my life.
My rule is, as long as a person does not attack my opinions first, I won't say mean things to them. It's a new rule that started in recent years. It may not be perfect as well. Just like many things I've done and I've changed to in recent years, they may not be the best decisions.

For example:
A friend told me about something he/she did in the past. It was totally out of the line in my opinion, and he/she regrets it. It is just horrible business a person could ever do to his/her friend. But I did not say a word bad about it, instead I tried to point out the positive lessons that came after it.

But when I was depressed and needed a support system, this friend became judgmental and kept rebuttling everything I had to say, as if it's me who intentionally got myself into depression. Even when I told him/her that I've had 2 PET scans and saw many doctors to confirm what I have naturally, this person still wants to prove that I am in the wrong.
What the fuck? When he/she was having a bad time, I'd always be there and say nice things. Even tho I disagree with many things, I'd put down that negative feeling and try to say things that helps this person to feel better.
NOT to say things that would make him/her feeling more shitty! That is not what friends do.
And I know that sometimes my words do NOT come out right. I just don't know how to say certain things. I either shut up or keep trying. But the intention was never to make this person feel even worse.



This is really not funny. It happens with not just that one person.
I can find less and less positive things out of this as it happens so much.
I slowly stop thinking, "oh he/she meant well." It keeps happening.



The most recent event is the controversial note I wrote. Half of the private messages are good, half are attacks.

So, half of the people I know usually see the good intention I have behind writing an advocating note. And it is very encouraging that they share their enthusiasm for a mutual interest. It is very nice and supportive of them. I hope that I'll be even more supportive of their opinions. Positive supports will only encourage more positive energy.


Half of the people? I don't even know where to start.
No, I am not the greenest person in the world. Nor do I help enough people. Nor do I deprive myself to help the world.
I never got a chance to. Now I focus on making myself happy first.
I couldn't afford buying organic all the time, so I tried my best to buy local.
I couldn't donate much to any causes, so I donated blood and platelets, and hair whenever I feel healthy.

I stopped my credit card and crazy spending in 2007. July 2007, to be precise. It was an year of craziness.
Before that, many of you may remember, I didn't even know how to wear high heels.

It is very, very, very sad that, those I thought UNDERSTOOD what I was going through, the divorce, being taken advantage of by a guy I thought was a "friend", and betrayed by some people, turned out to only see me as this crazy girl who buys designer shoes and tons of clothes ALL THE TIME.
I thought these were friends who were supportive! Who understood that, I cut all the spending, drinking, and being crazy, and started recovering and healing myself.
I thought these were friends who'd understand those were my ways of coping, and were much better than cutting myself. 
And I thought they knew. Maybe they didn't.


Another example:

I was talking to a friend about going to Guatemala. That I'd only use my backpack for personal belongings, and 1 extra suitcase for Kym's medical equipments and the things I'm bringing to children in Guatemala. I will leave the suitcase behind unless Kym needs it again for her stuff.

This friend, started saying, "yea right, Julia, you're just bringing an extra suitcase so you can shop like crazy in Guatemala and bring back all your spoils. We all know about your shopping. Don't make it sound that good, bringing things to the children and all. We all know it's for your shopping."

OK, I thought he/she was joking.

Next time we talked about other trips this summer, and that I'll travel light as usual, he/she started again: "poor Mete, he has to deal with your shopping. You'll make him carry all the suitcases to house all the things you'll buy."
What? So I said again, that I'll only bring my backpack for personal belongings, like I always do.
"Didn't you buy presents and cards? You even sent me something from San Francisco."
Yes, I did, but, those were small stuff I'd fit in my backpack. I got postcards and little things for those I think of constantly during the trip.
The only big thing Mete got was a Chinese fountain that he really likes, and he wants something Chinese in the apartment.

So, when I buy postcards and little presents for the friends I think of during a trip, that's bad?

OK. Then, when Mete and I went to Northern Wisconsin to see the waterfalls, I did NOT buy postcards, nor little presents.
I took pictures, and made my own postcards to send to people I care about.


But this friend was still like, "but when you go to Holland and Turkey, you'll shop like crazy again, Julia."



OK, that pushed me over the line.

First of all, why should I even care enough to explain my spending behaviors?
Second, if no one can understand that I stopped a crazy life 2 years ago, and if they don't understand why I did what I did, you know what, I've done enough explaining, I've tried enough because I care about these people, if they cannot just be supportive friends, then it's not meant to be.

It hurts.
I am tired of being the one trying so hard to please people I care about.

I know Mete and I are having a slightly better life now. So whenever I can, I like sending little things, because I think of people I care about a lot. Life is short, and if I love someone so much, then I need to keep caring. I love my friends and family so much, so much that there is not a day I don't think about them.
This is not because I like spending.

So, my caring turned around and bit my in the arse. The people (some) I sent postcards to still see me as a shopoholic I once was.

It hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts......

And of course, when I wrote that note on Facebook, I received criticism. I don't mind criticism. But I mind attacks on my past behaviors.

For those who cannot see the good intentions I have, see beyond my past, and see beyond my words, maybe they really don't know me, and I am one of the 2 persons that make up a friendship between the two of us.

Then it's not meant to be. Then I can stop trying so much to keep in touch, or send little caring cards and presents.
I can then stop putting in so much effort. I am not the best friend in the world, but I do my best. I say stupid things that might hurt, and I am sorry, I try to mend it, but I know I don't do it well all the time.

I need friends, a support system, people I care about, people who care about my feelings, people who understand my past.

I've been avoiding drama. Friends who only give negative criticism also bring negative drama. And they don't know me.

Just to clear things:

Mete found this guy on Craigslist. He had been trying to sell his jetski for months, but no one would buy it.
He just had a new baby and needs the cash.

Renting a brand new, shiny, and state of the art jetski is $200 per 1/2 day.
Buying this old 1993 model from this guy helps his family out with the extra cash.
So it killed 2 birds with 1 stone, and the jetski didn't have to go to waste.


Mete and I do buy things. And yes, less is more. But if things we buy can help people in this economy, OK.
I am not depriving myself. If I cannot live a happy life, and keep it, then how can I help others when I'm mostly depressed?


Some people may think that going to Guatemala is a waste, because the money for tickets can be donated directly.
Well, I'm still going. If people travel to see family and friends, I want to travel to live their lives for 8 days. Not long, but, I cannot understand their lives slightly better if I don't even try my best to live one.


Some people may think that I should be a complete vegetarian. Thing is, I'm doing it for my own health. I am doing it to reduce animal cruelty, but on my own pace, because I know that I cannot change what people eat whatever makes them happy, and just because I do it doesn't mean I need to look down at people who don't. The most I can do is to advocate it and raise awareness. They can decide if they want to do it on their own. 


There are things we don't need. But that goes for everything. I focus on things that make me happy, so I can do more in the long run for others, and I'm proud of myself for that.


I don't give a shit about what other people think. But there are certain people I still care about enough to clear some air. 
Things I write may be wrong at times, and many people don't agree with me.

But before anyone attempts to attack it, especially those I consider friends and family, just remember, Julia wrote some things with good motives, hoping to raise a tiny bit of awareness, hoping to share little information out there, not out to get anyone, so, I'd hope that my true friends and family would support that tiny good intention, find out the reasons behind, discuss it with me.

I dislike arguing with my friends and family, unless I have to defend things I think are worthy.

And as of people I don't care about... Go fuck themselves. I don't even want to waste my defense on them. 

I try not to be a bitch on Facebook. But sometimes I just can't help it.
Especially when it comes to my own family.

Apollo posted crap like, he has little trust in people.
OK, the psychology going behind posting it, the motive to post it, the reason to post it, the reaction he expects after posting it.
Ugh.
Constant remind of, "crap, they are my family, we share the same damn genes."

And other craps people post.
Like, celebrity deaths.
OK, it's all sad, just like anyone else's death.
But really, who cares?
What about kids and people who die everyday from oppression, poverty, diseases, and more?!
Now those no one cares about. Or only a few.
Really shows how... Shallow and ignorant some people are, in a way.

And what's worse about us "civilized" and 1st world country people, is that, all of our comfort and financial advancement are from those 3rd world nations' suffering. And most of us here don't give a shit. We just take it for granted and for what it is.
And it's much easier for us NOT to care about it; if you don't see it or hear about it, then you can just play blind. 

Even in Taiwan. NONE of my friends understood why I cared so much, why I'd turn off lights and water, why I'd use up all my note papers before I use the next new one, why I'd save my little NT$1 or NT$5 allowance weekly just to donate to the Red Cross. And now, none of them understand why I'd go to Guatemala.

Matt P was interesting.
Because I'm bringing medicine, supplies, and toys to the children in Guatemala,
he said, "you're the biggest socialist ever!"
Um, so what?
Why label myself with a tag that says either "captitalism" or "socialism"? Why can't it just be, ME, Julia, wanting to do what matters and what I THINK matters? I don't give a fuck about people who don't agree. They can go fuck themselves. 

So, no, I don't consider myself a capitalist or socialist or whatever people would have it.
I don't even see myself as an activist or that sort.

• If I have time and I feel healthy, I donate blood and platelet.
• If my hair is long enough, I donate my hair.
• If I have $50 leftover after a month's spending and savings, I adopt a sea creature with Oceana.
• If I am free on Saturday mornings, I shop at farmer's market to support local farmers, get super fresh and yummy produce, homemade eggrolls, and chat with them a little,
• and have a traditional sundae in Two Rivers to support the elderly who run the historical museum they worked so hard for.
• If I have some leftover this month, I'll buy a cute t-shirt from St. Jude's for kids with cancer.
• If there are things I can't get from farmer's market, I get organic, and the ones with the least packaging to reduce waste. I also try my best (when I'm not so tired) to find out where they produce things, what kind of wages and treatments they give to their workers. Because, don't even get me started on how some business owners treat their workers, especially migrant workers.

But I still don't deprive myself. I make sure to keep myself as happy as possible.
If I'm not happy enough, I'm less likely to do things I think matters.

I still like watching movies.
I still like just sit, relax, and being lazy.
I still turn on the AC when it's too hot in the apartment. I'm sorry but, 85 degrees is just too much.
I still like doing my nails.


There are things I'd like to and am working on improving tho.

• I am trying to use up all of my lotions and cosmetic stuff. And then, I'll buy only the essential ones, like, sunblock lotion, face lotion, basic makeup, except for, I'll get all organic ones with minimum packaging possible. I mean, I use them very slowly anyways. They'll be more expensive, but they'll be better for my skin, and every little bit of pay attention to what I buy, helps.

• I am trying to buy clothes for causes, like, from Oceana, St. Jude's, Red Cross... Whatever you call them. I am still a girl, I still like shopping and buying clothes, but at least I'll be more mindful about what I spend on.

It's already annoying enough to deal with Mete. I have to slowly convert him. Now he finally likes organic foods! And he's more aware of fuel efficiency. And he's learning to turn off the lights and water. And he finally stops buying so much food we don't really need.

OK, enough ranting about the world.

For the day.

So I found out why I'm sick. Hormonal problems, as always. Oh well.
Did I say that my passport arrived?

No Minneapolis this weekend. We decided to spend that money in the Netherlands and Turkey. Minneapolis is only 5 hr away, so, we can always go next semester ish or a weekend.
Toronto, Niagara Falls, and Buffalo NY next weekend tho! Too bad we won't have more time, otherwise I'd love to check out Rochester, Syracuse, Albany, Saratoga Springs, Boston, and NYC all together, and just explore that whole New England region.

And no wardrobe makeover. I just opened another savings account for travel funds, might as well save as much as possible.

I was depressed for about 30 min today. Rose wanted me to think of a support system, jot down names of people I connect with on a regular basis (like, every 2-3 days ish), and those of whom I can talk to whenever I need support, whenever my emotional shipwreck needs some harbors to support and aid the damages, and such.

I came up with Mete. That's about it. The hard part is, "on a regular basis" and "talk to whenever" I need it.



Jon & Kate was sad last night. Some men. Doesn't matter how much the women try, it's never enough.
And love expires, evolutionarily speaking.
I know it all sounds too scientific, but true.
The only way to keep up the romance is to constantly bettering oneself.
You know how in recent years, girls are encouraged to "upgrade" boyfriends if needed? Much like, upgrading an appliance or a car? Well yea, if you can't even upgrade yourself for yourself, soon enough, you'll be replaced by another upgrade. It's just in our nature to look for better things in life. If there's not enough benefit in any relationship, then it'll be discarded in a matter of time, socially and psychologically.

Except for, in this case, Kate betters herself too quickly, Jon just couldn't keep up, and blames her strong personality.
Problems started when he quits his job while she writes and earns more than his paychecks could ever be.
Honestly, it takes 2 for everything. Couples mold each other. If he was assertive enough, she wouldn't develop such strong personality and feels like she needs to depend on her own and take things into her own hands.
Sounds like someone eh?
Oh yea.

Monlin's aggression was bad enough to being with, it escalated when I started college and became smarter than him. Not only did I out argue his "reasons," I also refused to side with him on everything. I took charge of our finances because he was inadequate, and I had almost everything in my name, except for the cars and valuables, what a mistake.

Kate will come out of the other end much better off. She now knows to tone down her abrasive nature, be more empathetic, and she can finally stop worrying about Jon. She'll be more independent, tho it's hard. She can now focus more on the kids and her own career. She will become a much nicer and pleasant person, like a polished stone after rough currents in the end.

As of Jon, he doesn't even know if he'd get a job. He just wants to be single and sleep around. He's 32, and realizes that he does not want to be tied down to this life. If he's truly there for the kids, then he wouldn't move to NY and be so far away from the kids.
I mean, moving to another state? He can't even be there soon enough if there's an emergency.
Maybe he'll find a less smart and weaker woman to fit his own weaker personality.
Maybe he'll regret.
The truth is, it'll be hard to find someone who can handle so much stress and raising 8 children to her best. It'll be hard to find someone he can just depend on. He'll have to take care of himself in a whole other way.

I love this family. I love the kids. Everything will be OK.
As of people who criticize them so much... Wow, don't even get me started.
Every marriage is flawed. Every couple is flawed. We are all flawed. More than 50% of us all WILL get a divorce, that's not even including the percentage of the fact that many of us WILL break up, and Will break someone's heart, and WILL be heartbroken.

Of course, last week of summer session 1, a few more days before final exams, I'm feeling like shit.
Headaches, cold sweats, chest pain, lower ab pain, and hours of "I wanna puke" feelings.
Finally fell asleep at 1am ish, and, some trains (more than 4) decided to pass through this part of town, the train tracks are about less than 2 miles away, and blew their choo-choo's like nobody's business. Seriously, since 3am until 5:30am. And Arael was meowing like crazy. My lower tummy hurt and cramps. Sleepless night.

Mete and I are driving to Minneapolis/St. Paul on Friday 6/26 for a weekend.
He'll drop me off somewhere, get a hotel room I don't know about, and we'll meet in a club as strangers, he'll pick me up, we'll dance and have fun, and he'll take me back to the hotel for some... (see details below).
(METE, if you're reading this... DON'T. Spoiler alert. Wait until Minneapolis this weekend, so, STOP READING).

I am so uncomfortable now that I can't sleep. Sick and not being able to sleep sucks.
I ended up researching for many things:

• Lightning photography tips. Since I know nothing about pro cameras and night photography, it gave me more headaches.
• I dropped 2nd summer session, so July is free until Guatemala 7/21-7/30. I looked up possible vacay destinations Mete might enjoy:

1. National Parks, such as Yellowstong, Glacier, Grand Cannyon... etc. EXPENSIVE tho =.= Veto. Maybe next time.
2. Niagara Falls, Buffalo, and Toronto. Much cheaper, we can just drive up. YES!

• Farmer's Market on Tuesdays 3-8pm. I want more lettuce and veggies if possible.
• Oceana- I wanna adopt a hammerhead shark or a dolphin, or just any sea creature. $50-$100.
• Stargazing/Next meteor shower date. We'll be in Europe for Perseids in August, so, Orionids in October it is.

( Rated R: Minneapolis/St. Paul weekend game. Spoiler Alert )
OK, back to being sick. 

I'm not scared of thunder storms anymore after I witnessed one of the most beautiful sights in my life. Something I've feared of for so long is indeed something so beautiful.

I want a bike. With a leather biker chick outfit.

And, one more year to a new life.
Mete is very discontent with things now. As I expected before we moved up here in Wisconsin (when I said I'll move for him because I'd adjust to anything much easier than he would). I knew it.

So, I kept changing plans for him.
At first, we'd move back to NC after an year so I'd either finish my bio degree or go on to law school.
I realized that he wouldn't be happy with that life, so I changed it again.
We'll move to Belgium or somewhere in Europe again, and I'll get my bio degree there.
But I know that he still would get bored within 1-2 years, so I altered it again, that we'd travel for months after next summer, and then move to Europe.

Now, doesn't seem like he'll love it all that much either. He wants to actually just move from place to place for an year. That means, I'll have to postpone my bio degree or law school. I mean, it will be fun. But I just don't know how realistic it is.

Anyways. We're sticking with the 3rd plan for now.
I'll go to Guatemala, we'll visit the Netherlands and Turkey,
I'll take 19 credit hours and just keep a 3.2 GPA (it'll be too stressful if I wanted more),
Mete will work during the outage with lots of over time.
I'll forget about Kenya in the winter. We might just go somewhere (Mete wants to go on a cruise to somewhere tropical).
I'll take 16 or more credits in the spring, Mete will work normal hours.
For spring break... I don't know, I wanted to go to Miami but now I might consider El Salvador.
Or Mete and I would just go somewhere new.
And World Cup in South Africa in June! We'll meet up with Timur there I believe.
As of July, if I already graduated, great. We'll just keep traveling.
If not (I might have 1 class left or something like that if the spring semester doesn't work out), then I'll just finish it up.
And then we'll travel for a while until we move.

So, not as much traveling as Mete wants, but close enough. I am rather happy with the plan.

I am dropping the 2nd summer session. Don't have enough money left over from last semester to pay for all of it.
It's sad. But oh well, it'll give me time before Guatemala to just relax and get healthier.


( Rated R )

Today is the second night Mete works.
I took a nap. Not a good one. Had a not so good dream.
Talked to Jon and showed him his birth chart :)
Watched a couple of Law & Order SVU.

I was a good day at school tho. Phil was the same. Got essay assignment. Theo was fun as usual. We sat outside on the grass. It was nice except for the construction in the background. I am really going to miss this class :)

I am so lazy. Ate like crazy.
Talked to Andrew from Phil a bit. He thinks the essay is stupid. We both agree that we are never good enough for our professor, he can always pick something wrong from whatever we write. I mean, we're not Plato, Aristotle, Aquinas, or Percy, we just started to learn about them, we really can't put their thoughts in our heads completely and then write like they do, right? 
So, I'll just re-read all of the texts and use every bit of them and mold them into my own idea somehow with the language the professor would like. It'll be fine. I can do it. I HAVE to do it. I need an A. Now I only have a B average. I really hope the professor weighs class participation heavily. I am a good student in class. Meh. It'll be OK. It's just putting pieces together. If those dead philosopher can come up with these ideas, then me, a modern person, can utilize their ideas. 
Andrew agrees that those 2 guys sitting behind us are ANNOYING sometimes. Sometimes? Dude, ALL THE TIME. Ha.
We both agree that Justin is pretty smart tho.

So, 10:29pm, too late for workout, not tired enough yet... Doing dishes and clean the kitchen? Ugh.

Oh, I may not be able to take psych of happiness in 2nd summer session, the rest of my grant and scholarship may not be enough :( 
Really, shouldn't have used the refund money. I am seriously considering getting a separate account just for school money.
Well, Mete disagrees. We'll see.

School is good. Finally getting closer to a few people in classes and Facebooking as well.
First summer session will end in about 2 weeks. It'll be sad. It's the first time I actually could get to know people.

I may have to drop second summer session if the remaining of my Pell Grant and Stafford Loan can't cover it.
With grants, loans, and scholarship, for this coming semester I get a total of a little over $40,000.
Meh... Not really enough, considering that I'll be taking 19 credit hours and that'll take a good chunk. I need more! 
Yep, I need enough $$ to graduate in June or August. Hopefully June. Or May. I wanna go to World Cup in South Africa.

Mete works 3 nights, MTW.
I exercised. Talked to Michelle a bit. Worked on upper body/arms and abs a bit. Took a nice shower. Went to Starbucks to study a bit. Wend to Walmart, but their renovation = no professional looking shoes. Got gas.
Not as productive as I'd hope for. Didn't research on Lady Guadalupe.
Gonna try to sleep around 11pm.

Mete will be back around 6:30am. I might work out in the morning for 30 min...
Was stopped by a cop for going 9miles over. Only got a warning, but I was 15 min late to class =.=
So, I'll obey speed limit, going 70 or 72 mph instead. That means, leaving 15 min earlier. Better than 15 min late tho.
As a result, I'll have to cut workouts short, hit the shower no later than 7:35, be out of the door by 8:10. Sucks.

It was a lazy weekend. Had headaches. Wanted to puke when I didn't get enough sleep. Ate like crazy. 
Seriously. I ate so, much. Happens when I feel sick.
Kitchen is a mess. Coffee table is a mess. Closets are messes. Bathroom is a mess.
I just don't have the energy to clean. My hormones are messed up again, no period for 1-2 months again.
No, I'm not pregnant, unless the pregnancy test was malfuntioned, which I doubt. 

So, I feel fat. Eating when I'm sick is always... Sucky. 
I'll try to gather the will to either go to the philosophy seminar or jog at the lake shore tomorrow.
Or just workout at home like I did. Don't feel like driving to lakes shore.
I need to stop feeling fat.

Other than that, I've been in good mood. Getting A's in Theo helps, too.
Phil isn't looking so well, not only for me, but the whole class. I don't know what the professor wants for our essays in exams... Seems like no matter how I write, it's never enough to get full credits. It's pathetic. And I NEED A's in both classes to amp up my GPA to be 3.46. 
Anyroad. Lots on my plate as usual.
But, summer in Wisconsin is beautiful. A different beauty, unlike NC :) But very nice. 

My theology professor helped me to answer many questions about myself. No, it's not like I had a talk with him or anything. It's the materials we learn, and the way he is. Professor D is a very humble person, with a smile from his heart. I think he has Parkinson's from his facial expressions and body movements. He's much like a grandpa to everyone. I don't think he has a temper in him. It's not until recently, we found out that he's one of the foremost theologian who specializes in war & peace, violence & non-violence, and poverty issues in Third-World countries. Before that, you'd think he is a professor who happens to be very nice, and you wouldn't know that he's written books and articles that promoted many human rights issues.

I am very glad that I chose the theology courses that focus on social issues and ethics. They all remind me of when my mom taught me to be giving, when she took me to Red Cross workshops and learned about poverty, and when she forced me to conserve resources and not be wasteful.

Point is, my mother, not only Professor D but also some other professors I met in Marquette, and the social rights and ethics courses I chose, all helped me to answer questions about myself. Driving so much also helps me to think, or listen to NPR.

I am too judgmental. But it's OK, I learn to put it in useful ways. I learn to modify initial impressions of things, events, and people, not finalize an incomplete conclusion until I have true knowledge of their natures.
I am stubborn. It's OK, I learn to stand firmly for the right things I believe in.
These two qualities often make me an abrasive analyst who can be biased. But it's OK to be an abrasive thinker who questions everything. I learn to channel it towards multi-angle views and prepare myself for other arguments.

I've been doing well in these areas. I do "think" before I open my mouth in classes, thanks to my Phil professor who taught me to construct a logical statement backed with knowledge.

But I am not good enough.

We've been talking about Migrant Rights.
J, is a nice person, whom I do talk to once or twice a day, seems to be turned off by the idea that we (the US gov and citizens) should be aware of migrants' rights and basic needs.
She says that many migrants she knows are much better well-off than her family, so migrants are not as poor and helpless, maybe it's not wise to spend so much time trying to understand how hard their lives are, since it all seems like an exaggeration.

I only answered that not ALL migrants are super poor. Some are legal, some are illegal, some have better resources and opportunities, some have good people to help them, some are more hard working than others.

5 minutes before class ended, I was enlightened by myself, and realized my own stupidity---
Instead of trying to tell her about not all migrants are the same, I should've addressed the fact that,

"All of us should be happy for the more successful migrants who are even more well-off than many Americans! That's the whole goal, fulfilling the American Dream and offer better lives to these migrants' children,"
to assert that her observation is actually helpful and hopeful to the subject, and

"The Migrant Rights issues we're learning about in this class is based on preferential-poor-option in Catholic social teachings, not really about well-off migrants anyways,"
to remind her that the poverty and unfair treatments of migrants are the MAIN focus in this class, and

"Just because these successful migrants are better-off than Americans, it does NOT mean they shouldn't have come here in the first place, or that they don't need equal rights as every American, whether they are legal or not."

You see HOW STUPID I WAS?
I did not use her statement, I did not turn it around and make her opinion to work for my own position!
I was too hung up on her statement and how skewed it was, instead of finding the good out of it to support my points.

See, I am too judgmental and jump the gum TOO quickly at times. If I'd just cool down and force my brain to analyze her statement, and stop my heart to do the analyzing, then maybe, maybe she'll see.

I do it very well in Phil now.
But in Theo, my brain is mostly burnt and fried from thinking in Phil, so it almost shuts down, which allows my emotions to think for me. That is something I am working on. Not only in class, but all situations.
I am good at finding the positives. I need to be better.
Why is this important?
A person with negative judgments spreads negativity onto others.
A person with positive judgments presents a ripple effect- one positive thought can trigger more.

I choose to he the latter person.

Exercising at 6:30ish am today (9minutes from now).

Writing it down on LJ is like, a reminder you have to do.



Quizzes on FB really drives me crazy. Not just the silliness itself, but the whole psychology behind it. Every quiz DOES tell me about the person, not always in a good way. Except for a few people. Very few.

And the whole virtual bookshelf shit. Little green garden craps. I don't know what makes people think they can just invite me when I don't have those applications since day one. I seriously don't give a f**k about what they read, the top 5 music, or anything shit of that sort.

And the Chinese quizzes. WTF. Seriously, WTF. And guess who takes them? Almost every Chinese person I know, including my own family members. Wow.

I mean, these would be fine if I don't interpret the psychology behind them. Nah, not really, it would still annoy me. 

Much like, when someone talks about the world, or trying to show their witty views to a certain extreme, or try to challenge the social norms to a certain extreme, all I hear is how they talk about themselves, what they lack, and such; or, certain people, they just f**king hate the world or some things about it, such as me vs the stupid social norms that most people confirm to. Except for, a few people, who actually make a valid point.

OMG. Someone just updated. Who and who doesn't seem to want to get ready for work today.

Um. I really DON'T give a f**k. Poor you. Suck it up and go to work.

Some people are fine about whining about their jobs all the time, 5 days out of a week, if you were that miserable at a job, quit. And they're lucky to have a job in this economy compared to others. Ungrateful insensitive silliness.

I really dislike it when certain people do that. Once in a while, it's OK. I understand. At one point or another we hate our lives and wanna kill. I get it. I feel you. But 5 days a week? Why do they even get this particular job if they're that miserable?

Oh wait, I know, these are the people who can't change a f**k about their lives and do something substantial.
Or they just don't even try.

Oh yes, I've got a lot to say about stuff like that. If it's temporary, it's cool, we all need in between times. Doing the same shit 3-5 years and then switching to a new stage, totally fine.

But those people who can't deal with change and can't move on to a new chapter??? Always scared of shit?

Came across one lately. A boy I used to know started emailing me. And he's scared of change. And he's wasting his life. I mean, seriously wasting. Such a bright boy, but, settling for a life he's been hating since he graduate middle school. So... He wants to get out of that shithole, but he just says he can't do it. My arse. Then, why bother talking to me about it? If he's not caring enough, shit, don't talk to me about it, I really don't f**king care if you don't even care. Right?



Last night wasn't good. Mete and I had a little fight over the past. I know, it was the past, but some things still follow me. But it was all OK. Most of our little fights end up good.

More people think that Monlin might've actually cheated, and none of them is surprised.
So my suspicion wasn't just crazy bi-polar moments. I wasn't alone.
I mean, yea, considering all the girls he wanted to fuck. And the way he wanted me to pretend to be someone else all the time.
Why is this important? It just is. Knowing that I wasn't just crazy.

Mete started applying for jobs in Europe! So, both of us are looking. Me, finding schools and possible jobs; Mete, jobs.

I cried after we watched Bride Wars. It triggered some sadness in me. Reminded me of something I don't have.
But it was a fun movie tho.

Ugh. I plan to exercise at 7am. But I'm so tired, and I have this headache for a while that makes me wanna puke if I woke up earlier than 7am (the days I make fresh juice for Mete at 4:30 or 5:30am)... Ookies. Time to kick my own ass. Mete and I got so much food, he made awesome nachos, fishes, and all the popcorn we consumed during our movie weekend... I packed on 2lbs at least.

Human rights issues all around the world constantly remind me of why I want to be a lawyer and promote social justice on a broader political level.
Tragedies like this remind me of why I want to be a doctor and save lives. All the Mexican children. I feel like I'd hear their screams and cries in the fire.

There are so many times I thought of just be a good wife and mother, and just raise a good family.
Mete is a good man. He's so scared that I'd devote my whole life to helping others and leave him. He made it clear that he doesn't want to share me with all the other people in the world who needs help. And he is right, if I weren't with him, I'd spend all my time getting both medical and law degrees, travel to many places, and use those degrees, instead of greedy lawyers and doctors who only care about the prestigiousness of having these careers and all the money.

Of course, before that I'd have to be a prosecutor and finish neurology residency, gain some experience and build some networks, and then have enough power of "persuasion" to help and raise awareness. I mean, what's better than a doctor who knows those needy areas with a law degree to deal with the politics? Degrees not only give us the knowledge and training, but also the power of "having a saying" in many things.

Anyways.

I'll get there. Slowly.

As of now, focus on this psych degree, learn, see, feel. Marquette is a good place, they do teach you to be compassionate, I only dislike the God and Jesus part. Other than that, I like the way the Jesuits, priests, and professors promote human rights, and the way the Catholic church finally realized that conversion does no help! Serving the very basic human needs like Mother Theresa fulfills Jesus' teachings. One at a time.

I want to finish the biology degree I started with ACC, CJC, and UNC when we move to Europe. They call it either the medical biology or medical science degree. The system is made so you're more prepared for a medical career, and they anchor the courses differently than the US system. In US, they care more about getting you graduated and hopefully getting a nice job, not so much the acutal medical concerns.
And in Europe, Mete can spend more time with his Dutch family, namely his Dutch grandma, it's also close enough to Turkey.

And then I want to move to Turkey, Mete can be closer to his Turkish grandma, and I can learn about more cultures
(I've got Asian/Southern Asian down, American, then European, Middle Eastern, and I am hoping to learn about South American when I take trips like Guatemala as much as possible; plus Marquette already fills you up with as much Southern American awareness as possible. Finally, African culture, and thanks to Jean-Marie, Marquette's social justice trainings, Blood Diamond information, and documentaries I watch/read, I already have a tiny head start.)

So.



Yesterday was good. Farmer's Market, Natural Market, sundae at the Two Rivers Ice Cream Parlor, where sundae was originate. And Festival for final grocery shopping.
Last night was good. Mete and I had a movie night. We got buckets of popcorn, candies, and made our living room into a nice theatre. Star Gate: Arc of Truth (I didn't care much for it), The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

By the way, I went to Mete's follow-up appointment the day before yesterday to see his test results. He has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high many many things. So now I am dedicated to make him fresh fruit and veggie juice at least 5 days a week instead of 3. He has been eating healthier too! He brings salad and fruits for lunch instead of eating out. I hope he'll get a chance to teach me swimming this weekend so we can both have some exercise together. Prolly do muscle training, cardio, and then swimming. I like that.

Both Philosophy and Theology are getting depressing.
People in philosophy don't think quick enough, the professor literally has to guide them to think logically. I now mostly don't even bother to answer questions and try to help them out... I just scribble on my own notes, write down my own debates in my head. It's sad. No more argument for me. My professor said I can email him so we can just have our own discussion outside the classroom.
I never liked Plato much. But now I kind of do. Without him, I won't be able to appreciate Aristotle more. Aristotle is more like me, empiricist. I like using science. Yea, Jon said I'm very scientific, I am not sure if that's a compliment, or... Haha.

Theology. Sigh. I am closer to my classmates, especially Kym, since we're going to Guatemala together and we'll share the same hotel room :) My professor is nice as usual, we are all getting closer to each other as a whole. I really like it. But we are learning more about wars and violence, and watching more videos, seeing more people getting shot and raped and killed. It's different when you see all the blood and actual bodies they normally don't show on TV. Totally reminds me of the bloodshed events in Asia, totally makes me sad and angry.



So, my therapist, who specializes in cognition-behavior treatments, made me promise her to list 3 small things to do this week, using my new behaviors to change my mood. So, we planned that I'll swim at the school gym on Wed/yesterday, re-pot my plants today, and go for a walk at the lakeshore tomorrow.

I did muscle trainings yesterday for 30 min ish. I miss it. I've been skipping out on exercising for too long. I'm glad my muscles are still good :)
I went on my favorite elliptical for a good 43 min. Took a nice shower- Ahhhh~
And then headed to the pool for 20 min, only did 3 very slow laps with many breaks tho. I felt inadequate at first. Everyone there knew how to swim, and did like a million laps, and were all in great shapes. I was the only floppy one with extra fats. Man. But, I changed my thoughts (yay), if they can do it, I can too! Yep, I'll get there this summer, I'll keep bugging Mete about teaching me. And then I'll get my scuba diving certificate to look for treasures and swim with sharks! 

I'll see my new psychiatrist today. It'll be expensive. And come home to re-pot the plants.

George called yesterday in the morning. It was a funny text message story. And it was so good to hear his voice!

Mete made awesome salmon last night. We watched the first half of Mongol. I kept asserting that they were Chinese, not Turkish! They were half of my ancestors, and I am Chinese. Ha. We never end the Chinese or Turkish debate on foods, culture, and history. Heehee.


I started dressing more professionally. I'll do it 1-2 days a week. I can finally fit in my professional pants on Tuesday! Mete and I went to Green Bay for Olive Garden and Express so I can get more pants and shirts. I goal is to look more serious and conservative, right? But Mete said it was actually sexier =.= He said the pants show female curves, it really shows off my butt, and the shirts that usually go with that style is just sexy. Oh well. Now I need more shoes! Yep. But later tho. We're trying to save money now.


Last night was... Wow. We went to bed early since neither of us have gotten good sleep lately.
Mete kept holding me really really tight. And he woke me up twice, we had awesome sex. Needless to say, we didn't sleep that well. Those 2 sessions were totally mind blowing. And the way he looks at me. The desire and all.

He said the test results scared him, he doesn't want to have a 1/25 chance of getting heart diseases when he's 40. It makes him want to have kids before that, and he wants to have all of me. His desire of having kids skyrocketed. He talks about kids everyday now. Poor booboo bear :(
He'll be just fine! Now he's eating like me, all healthy, and he's cutting back on the amount he eats, and I'll make sure he exercises a little when he doesn't work long day and night shifts, so, he'll get back in a healthy place in no time.
The doctor is giving him 2 months to eat healthy and work out. If things don't improve much in 2 months, he has to go on other medications besides this one he's on already. His blood pressure is almost normal at this point, and he's lost like, 10 ish pounds in the last 2 weeks or so. So it'll be fine! 

My goal for myself is to lower my heart rate and blood pressure even more before I go to Guatemala. Now I still have an average heart rate, I'm still aiming for a 69-67. My blood pressure is normally 118/76, healthy, but can get better. I also need stronger muscles, to ensure Mete that if anything happens, I can defend myself better haha.



I don't know if Facebook is getting more annoying. The mini feeds are, at least. All the quizzes and such. I don't take them. I don't need some silly quiz to tell me when I'll get married, what type of girl I am, or what ethnicity I am =.= I did that 2 years ago. Now I'm too old for stuff like that. I know who I am, I know what I want, I don't need to be assured by quizzes that aren't even accurate to begin with. I mean, I like it when people do 1 or 2 quizzes once in a while, I know it can be fun, but not 10 quizzes a day.

Or people who update their status 17 times a day. Seriously... I really don't want to know if they ate an apple or what song they're listening every hour. Once in a while, good! But more than 10 times a day? Really?

Especially the housewife types. They're good women in person. But... I really don't need to know how many times they went to the gym everyday... I know it's hard to raise kids and manage the house. But if you're bored... Does a parttime job sound good? Husband doesn't come home until the evening, kids go to school, I know it gets boring. Or, pot some platns to save the earth? Anyways.

Look at the bright side tho: Because of the mini feeds, and the annoyance, I mean, no offense to anyone, but they do make me stop going on Facebook that much. That says a lot. Heck, they even make me not being online for over an hour a day, unless it's school related. So, there's always a positive side. At least I try to find that.