12/5 8:43pm

Possibility of flurries/storm tomorrow. Cloudy. High 32 at 1pm, sunset at 4:12pm, 30. Will it be a safe idea to do long walks?

Both Mete and I earned the status of silver members with our airline. Complimentary 1st class upgrade sounds so good.

Looks like I'll have to attend Wendy's graduation alone due to Mete's work :-( Also that tickets are expensive around Christmas, so my only comforts are the 1st class upgrade, hanging out with friends, and seeing my parents.

Oh I lost another lbs :)


12/5 3:05am
The cats are huddling with me on the couch. I have my blanket on to keep us warm.
It's been snowing for days. High in the 20's. Low? Ha, it doesn't really matter.

I lost 4lbs. It's great to have veggies, fruits, and herbal teas again. Back to dancing and building muscles is crucial for staying warm in this cold weather :) Fit TV finally has Shimmy and Namaste DVDs, good for when I finish hip hop and strip tease.

It's still not the same amount of workout as climbing Volcan Pacaya, walking in San Francisco, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Holland, Turkey, and Italy. I want this Sunday to be a warmer day high in the 30's, so I'd walk to the lake shore in 2hr. I want to build up my stamina and increase the walk to Two Rivers in 3hr, and then Point Beach state park in 5hr.

Mete is very hopeful of going back to school. Ideally, he'd work in Cary after he gets the nuclear engineering degree so I'd go on to grad, law, or med school. I really want to move to somewhere new, but we have a lifetime for that.

I have so many healthy, vegetarian, and seafood recipes, yet I lack the motivation to cook every single day :-(

"Do you really think I'm your jackpot?" "Really. Maybe that's why I can't win the lottery, because I already won the jackpot once."

Thank you all. I feel better today. Also solved some things with Mete. Yes, I have a temper when I'm in that mood, and if he says the slightest wrong thing I'd blow up. Now we're on the same page, hopefully. Chances are, it'll happen again, and that's just something we have to deal with due to our different personalities. The positive aspect is that at least we're able to solve things and deal with them.

One ground breaking decision I've made ( Read more... )

We'll start driving as soon as Mete's home, we'll spend the night in Seymour, a little pass Indianapolis. We should arrive Chapel Hill tomorrow night. Family picture may happen on Tuesday. We'll drive to VA on Wednesday, and then start driving back to WI on Saturday.

"Depression is the inability to construct a future"- Rollo May. Yea, now that I'm OK again, my near future is back on track :) Jenna F. said she got her body after she ditched her personal trainer. Too bad that I've no such dedication, so I'll have one after Thanksgiving for a few weeks, just to jump start a habit forming routine, plus a personaly trainer = meeting someone new, and that'll help me to meet more new people!

I cannot find anyone to talk to.
Jon said I can call him anytime but I'd hate to wake him up or distract him from his school work and poker tournaments lol. John is busy, with grad school, work, and new girlfriend, all the excitement :)

Going to places on my own doesn't replace a social life. I don't need to talk about Mariam. I just need some support once in a while. Or to have some good discussions (read: discussions, not arguments, those have grown increasingly annoying and pointless and hurtful to both parties). Or just to express how I feel. And I may sound picky, but I prefer not talk to a few people who keep complaining and living a miserable life, claiming that sarcasm is honesty when it really isn't. Right now, I have no stomach for ill-intentions and piety. Or plan-forging against their own families for not being supportive, yet they are doing the exact same thing to attack their own family. It's irrelevantly complicated annoyance. I don't mind listening, but really, it'll be nice to just talk once in a while, and have some positive thoughts.

I am going coocoo. And I'm reading about human sacrifices the Celtics might've practiced as Caesar accounted. Yummy.


11.19 5:27pm

No, talking on the phone (which I rarely do unless I really need to) and talking online are not the same as having friends closer by. Talked to Jack, Jon, Diana, and Timur a little bit. Called George for 10min. Mete was online for 5min. Called my mom. Got some and replied some emails.

Mariam's face is still there. I can still picture her overdosing and cutting herself. And guess what? She learned it from me, because that's what I tried, overdosing with alcohol and cutting. I didn't teach her that, it just came out during group discussion, but still, she asked me about it, I told her. I know it is not my fault, but my coo-coo self is trying to blame myself for her death when it really has nothing to do with me. I haven't talked to her in years.

And just when I thought today couldn't get worse, my bff in Taiwan said she's marrying her asshole boyfriend and continue her miserable life that would also ruin her baby boy. What a perfect world with horrible parents raising innocent kids.

Oh, another friend of mine in Taiwan is miserable and asks me why his life is miserable. But he's too stupid to understand.

Point is, you see? I have no social life. I can read and study all I want about random things and random languages, but I have no social life. And, I cannot help anyone, I can know all the psychology crap and victim dynamics, I can know all the sensitive crime laws, and I can get all the degrees I want, but people will just keep killing themselves, getting raped, getting knocked up, getting married to an asshole, and getting a miserable life.

And no, when we go back to NC for a very short 3 days, I cannot see most of my friends, which is fine, because Mete is right, we need to spend more time with my parents. But, a part of me really wants to see at least a few close friends in Chapel Hill! At least go out clubbing and dancing for 1 night! Diana, Jon, and John are in Chapel Hill, and we can all go out for a night, that's possible, but no, Mete doesn't want to, and we'll fight over this again, and I hate fighting with him.

I mean, just 1, fucking, night, I miss them, I miss the loud music at clubs, and I miss dressing up to go somewhere for fun.

It's OK. It's just a bad day. I know it'll all be OK. Mariam is dead. Irish is marrying an asshole. None of it is my problem, really. I know it, just not today, and it's OK to have a down day. Tomorrow will all be better. Even without a social life.

Oh, yes, and maybe one day I'll go coo-coo enough and shoot myself. There are plenty of hunting guns in Wisconsin. I can make friends with guns. OK this is just a joke, don't take it seriously. I'm just being stupid and sarcastic. I'm not suicidal now.

Mariam's death is effecting me more than I thought it would. My sadness is turning into depression, and I'm doing my best to slowly move away from the tragedy. "That could've been me," I thought. It's a mixed feeling.

I always knew life is too short. Now I see that life is also so short that I may not always be able to do every single thing I want. I mean every, single, thing. Everyone has limits. I feel like a failure today. I feel stupid, ugly, and useless. I studied Vaticinia Nostradami, Mezar Arsinoe Misir of Efes'te, Codices Mayas, Rapa Nui, Jack the Ripper, Eco and psych stuff as usual. Uploaded all the photos. And cleaned a bit. But low most of the day.

Talked to my parents. Timur called, he's got girl trouble. Sigh, I warned him. Let's hope no one murders him :-P He asked me to take his body from Korea if that happens, I said I'd find a pink coffin for him. So funny.

I really need someone to talk to. Mete came home but is asleep and we didn't talk much. All the reading/studying won't replace loneliness. Yet this is the best I can do for a life Mete wants, to travel whenever he has vacation, which can't happen if I were still in school, or had a job. I am happy most of the time and love traveling, but we all know that Julia is a social animal and school makes me fulfilled, and now I lack both. It's slowly draining me. It's OK tho, I'll always find a way to bounce back when my hyper cycle begins. And then I'll exercise more, study more, cook more, clean everything, do some arts, and live happily as I should. It's all good :) It has to be. I love Mete. He works so hard for us, and the least I can do is to make him happy. I'm grateful to have my brave knight :D

Yea it's about time for me to get discontent with some things. I miss going to classes and learning.
I've been studying on my own, but still. A fully organized apartment with a clean office would help!

Some people have very different definitions of honesty, pretty much whatever gives them better appearances. It makes me uncomfortable. This particular person is miserable; she blames others, but it really comes from within herself, especially when she evokes drama with ill-intentions. I'm a good friend to her and tried to give her chances but, I really don't need this.

YOLO board is the newest water sport on my list after kayaking, scuba diving, kite surfing and wind surfing :)

Things are still up in the air. I'm in an antsy mood today: where will we move to? Hawaii, NC, or Antarctica? I try to comfort this discontent day of mine: It's all good! Everything is great, except for 1. no degree and 2. still overweight. See, only 2 things! I can always take online classes like Jon and John, and sign up with YMCA after Thanksgiving, right?

Did laundry, cleaned kitchen/dinning table, paid bills, also 90% of photo organizing. See, it's a good day so far! Just have to clean the bedroom and paperwork in the living room :) I intend to get everything done before we head to NC and VA.

Life is mostly happy. Prolly need a psychiatrist closer by before December, also dental, optical, and OBGYN appointments :-P
Things with Mete are great as usual. I enjoy giving him massages, good sex, and awesome bj's after his long day at work lol

No, Italy is not like the rest of western Europe. But I love the history and arts.

( More about Italy :) )



We may not be able to go to Aruba in December, because Mete may have a week long training.
So, NC and VA later this month for Thanksgiving, and Wendy's and Michelle's graduations in December.

As of future travel plans? Not sure yet! Depends on if we'd stay in WI or move elsewhere :) But new places are always good. Thanks to Michelle's book, I'm slowly reading it, my photography skills are improving very slowly. I've organized most of the photos from Italy, will upload them later for Mr. Mark and Annie, they'll head to Roma soon :)


I've also broke my fashion wanna-be stage. Back in Asia, I follow trends in Taiwan and Japan. Then I started American styles in recent years. Lately I looked up to European fashion. But after Amsterdam and Roma, I realized that, European girls also follow 6 or 7 trends, not much creativity or color matching, almost everyone follow one of those trends and almost uniformed. And then I started appreciating my own style on day 9 in Italy. There's no need to want to be anyone's fashion follower! I know what looks best on me, and I'll rock what I have. It brings me a liberated self-assurance, in a way.


( Future? It's all unwritten :) )

Ooh so when I was taking a shower yesterday I noticed that my thighs and bums are more toned!

Make up sex, 3 times in a morning, makes everything better doesn't it?

I just woke up from a horribly heartbreaking nightmare.
Last night, after hearing about the gang rape in CA, I was so upset. Mete said I was raising my voices and that constitutes as taking it out on him, I got more worked up and said that most people don't do anything about things like that and they'd just walk away, and that since I've never seen him doing anything about many things, and he really doesn't care that much about other people except for his family and me, so he could be one of those walk away speculators.
He got really angry. After I cooled down I realized what I said was wrong, and kept on apologizing for hours, but he was angry at me ALL night. He said I think of him as a horrible person, and why am I still with him if I thought he'd just walk away from something like that. I know I was wrong, I kept on apologizing, I never meant to hurt him or make him angry. It's just that, I've never seen him or people I know doing anything about many similar situations, and they'd always tell me not to because I'm small and a girl.
OK, point is, he was really angry at me. I was out of tricks, and fell asleep. He didn't sleep until just a few hours ago.

So, the nightmare goes, I was hanging out with George, Mete came home looking all weird, I joked if he had sex with another woman, he didn't deny it and was all weird, so I knew he did. I asked if he'd leave her, he said he needs time to think. I walked George home, and came back, and asked him again, he said he needs more time and doesn't know. I went to my parents and helped them out with something, came back and asked again, I got the same answer, so I said how can he not know and needs more time? He said since I think of him as a horrible person who'd just walk away from horrible things, then he doesn't know why I'm still with him, then he's doubting this relationship. I started crying and started packing, and told him that I only want my own things and he can keep everything else. He asked why I'm leaving since I have no money, and I said I was never with him for money and I'll survive just fine. 

So I woke up with this pain in my chest. He's never been like that last night. For hours, no matter what I did, he wouldn't look at me and there's not one loving word.

I mean, how could I not think that?

When people found out about what Monlin did when I was crying all day back in school, no one thought it was rape, and no one helped me to do anything about it. "Monlin had sex with me and I didn't want to, he made me, so I'm not a virgin anymore" was the best I could describe in English at the time. Brian told me to go to the Planned Parenthood for birth control, Sarah said I was still a virgin since I didn't want it, and my counselor said I lost my virginity and it's just what happens. In the end she did say I could get Monlin in trouble since I was a minor, so I can choose to be quiet about it.

And when the David thing happened, no one thought it was rape except for Mete. Christin even wanted to go after David because she was impressed that he had the guts to do things like that.

On Franklin Street, whenever things are happening and when I went up to make sure the girls are OK, Lizz, Kelly, or Mete would tell me to just walk away since it's not our business and it can be bad since I'm a small girl and I should just walk away.

And you know how my brain works, there's only black and white, maybe some in between, maybe. And I was upset so I wasn't thinking straight, not that I actually thought Mete was a bad person.

Anyways. Lately whenever he gets discontent, he shows it more and more. I've been trying hard to be good. But sometimes I still have my temper and he wouldn't go out of his way to make me smile as much as he used to. If in the past it was 10 out of 10 times, now it's only 6 out of 10 times. He gets impatient more. Especially when it comes to photography-- The chances of me actually going on to law or med school is slim at this point, with the life style Mete wants, and getting married and popping out kids asap in not more than 2 years. I cannot go to school when he wants to travel like this every 2-4 months. And I've been slowly changing my mind. He's working so hard for our future, then I shouldn't be selfish and only worry about myself and my own future. But I can do photography, that way I still get to be a good wife and a good mom.

He always thinks going after honors at school, A's, a good GPA, trying to go to law or med school is only a way for people to prove themselves, not actually that good it's only for the prestige, so I've been slowly changing my goals for him. I know he was never fully supportive with me wanting to do well at school, that's why I gave in and moved to Wisconsin for him, and gave up on finishing up at UNC. I care about him a lot. I never studied much at Marquette, partly because I'm lazy, but also because I want to spent time with Mete whenever possible. But it's all OK.

Now, I need his support for my interest in photography. I don't want to be just a housewife mom. But even that he's impatient about because I take 200-400 photos a day and he feels like we cannot enjoy Italy or any other places we've traveled to. It is true, but that's the only way I can keep improving, since I've never taken classes or read about it until recently with the book Michelle gave me.

So, he's been more impatient. He was really angry at me last night. And I had that horrible nightmare.

Anyone is capable of doing anything should it be in the right conditions. And with my ups and downs, irregular bi-polar problems, and constant reminder of everything Monlin did that makes me angry very easily, these may very well be the "right" conditions, for not only Mete, but any man to leave me or cheat. 

Oh well. I can't go back to sleep. I'm considering riding the 6am metro to the Fountane di Trevi to clear my mind, when there won't be tons of tourists and vendors trying to sell me things. Or to see the castle on my own since Mete doesn't seem that interested in it. But neither are safe in a big city like this, very early in the morning with tons of homeless and whatever people out there, and being a small Asian girl whom any race of men stare at up and down even when Mete's next to me, I don't want to know what they think of when they look at me like with that hungry dirty looks, and not knowing the languafe well. Or I can do the healthy and good for Julia thing, try to go back to sleep, and that one will be hard. Perhaps I can sleep on the floor. 

10/25 5:25am
Yesterday was fun at the Lambeau Field tour in Green Bay and wow, I finally got to learn about the Packers. John and I decided that we'll root for the Packers when the Panthers aren't playing lol. We also showed him Oneida Casino.

It's fun to have John here. We all talked a lot and it's so good to have a friend here. John and I always get along very well, and I love it when he and Mete talk about sports :) Or our good old wrestling days.

Oh yea, John lost 45lbs. When I saw him in Chicago I thought we were back in HS since he looks just like he was then. Crazy. And I feel fat. Mete lost 40, and he's more motivated to play sports again after seeing John.

We miss Jon, we know he wants to come so I try to keep him in the loop. And yea, they're right, I need to stop being so nice to flaky people. Such as KL. Or my cousins. JMR is very borderline to that label now. It is true, why waste my energy on people who don't really care instead of people who are there for me all these years? Anyways, I've been doing much better in that department and shall keep up the good work. We miss Timur and Diana, too. Maybe Sean and Chad... hm. Not really Isaac tho. I still get sad when I think of what he and Sarah did. How could I not see that?

I totally love the trolls and Nat'l Geo photography book from Michelle! She always knows what I want exactly :)

( Mete apologized, but I don't think he meant it.  )


10/26 6:00am
So this was one of the better birthdays. My dad remembered. John came. Mete is taking me to Rome on 10/28. Michelle got me trolls and Nat'l Geo book. I got to see the H & D Museum and sat on some awesome bikes.

I am so thankful of Mete agreeing to drive to NC & VA for Thanksgiving. He'll be SO tired, but he's that good of a man.

Mete and I can have free tickets to Aruba after trip to Italy :) December will be fun. I need to slim down.

( Talk about my fat ass and need to slim down for Aruba! )


10/27 11:11am
I still cannot believe we're going to Italy tomorrow. I still need to do laundry, vacuum, dishes, closet, set up pet stuff, and pack. I'm defeated. My ankle still hurts and I cannot wear anything high heels. I bought my 1st pair of flats, so.
I hope the hotel in Rome has internet, an adapter for my camera, and a laundry room. You know how I travel light.
I'm excited and scared in a good way. I've been wanting to see Italy for so long, but I don't know what to expect.

People I deleted showed up on AIM again. I don't even bother to deal with it.

I am a little worried if my parents will have to spend Thanksgiving alone. Mete and I will drive to NC and stay for 4 days, and only with his family in VA for 2 1/2 days. I said to Wendy it'll be nice if she'd be there after we take off so at least 1 of the 2 daughters is there the whole week. She apparently can only show up on that Wednesday and leaves at noon on Thanksgiving, when everyone knows that college students have that whole weekend off.

( More about Thanksgiving worries and vents.  )

JM called, vented for over an hour, so I couldn't sleep and am now exhausted. Her issues are way beyond what it was. It's on a whole new level. I officially think she maybe clinically "crazy" and needs intensive help. In the past I'd keep trying. Now I've changed. I'll not involve myself. It honestly is not my concern, even if it makes me cold-hearted.

( Read more... )

Aruba and Venice are good places. My sister is not messed up, her boyfriend is not even a thug, and my boyfriend does not control me because he wants to marry me. Point is, she needs more than a therapist. It's OK to vent, I am not angry, but she chooses to involve my personal life, Wendy, and Mete, I need pull myself away, it is a very bad sign.


Mete got the tickets :) I cannot believe it! I'll get to walk where Caesar and his troops were, and where Cicero worked his hands to be such great orator. I hope Lamictal gets here before 10/28. Mete really didn't have to. "I just want you to have a good and stress-free October and November," he remembers my annual depression peak :) He pays attention to details and makes my happier to the best he can. He treats me like a princess, a precious pearl that he treasures in his palms. I only wish I'd do as much for him. It's not about Rome, I'm happy as long as he's there.

Hopefully we'll get to do day trips to Venice 10/30, Florence 11/1, and Pompei 11/3. Or just relax in Rome.

I better finish cleaning today. I'll start driving at 6:30am, John's flight arrives at 10:30 and morning traffic might take 1hr.

Yesterday was fun :) We talked in the car for hours to/back from Chicago. I've never been to an Ikea and it is huge! Things are so much cheaper. Mete got Danish chocolates, and I learned sweet Danish words on the box :-P

China town was interesting, as always. Good food. Mete saw the porn section at a bookstore as we checked out recipes. He commented on how similar Chinese pastry are to Dutch when we got pearl tea. It is true, Taiwan was visited by the Dutch and Portuguese for a bit. The grocery store was disappointing :-( Meh. I was hoping for a mix of everything.

So I'll drive to Chicago again on Thursday morning as I pick up John :-P We'll see Chinatown, eat at Gino's East, walk downtown to Millennium Park, Sears Sky Deck, and maybe Navy Pier. Joan of Arc Chapel and Miller Brewery Tour in Milwaukee, and then Fat Boyz Fishfry Friday in Ticsh Mills; birthday dinner in Appleton. Egg rolls at Saturday Manitowoc farmers market, Green Bay cheese shop, Lambeau Field Tour, eat at Title Town, and downtown. On Sunday, Manitowoc submarine tour, watch football at Time Out, Two Rivers' original sundae shop, the lakeshore, and BBQ dinner.

Just when I thought sex couldn't get better; rated R- ( Read more... ) He's more active in bed since he lost 40lbs lol. I'm sad that his fluffies are gone, but whatever makes him happy and healthy.

I woke up with a strange dream. I haven't had nightmares in a while (what a relief) so this was odd.
( Read more... )

Oh, I re-thought the whole traveling thing.

I was a good housewife yesterday. I made dinner. Mete came home from a horrible day at work, I stopped talking immediately and gave my full attention. I tried to make him feel better by making fun of the SROs and that he and Hank did a good job. We then talked about the trips.

He works so hard for us, I want to save badly, but his happiness is important. We forgot that instead of 8 days in Dec, it's actually 12 days now so Aruba's is expensive. Rome is cheap now off season with nice weather. Aruba is a good escape from Wisconsin winter, so perhaps it's better to do Rome and then Aruba. I know it's a lot of traveling: 10/28-11/10, 11/20-11/28 drive to NC/VA Thanksgiving, 12/9-12/18, 12/19-12/21 NC graduations. This means we can't pay off 1 car loan. We'll have hardly any savings. I don't know. Or we can do Aruba now and only NC in Dec.

Regained some lost voice. I hope this is it with this newly "fortified" immune system. Why does my body adapt to medicines so quickly? Aspirin and tylenol don't do the trick no more. I should've hired a personal trainer =.= I need the motivation to be active, but since my ankle injury and being ill, I find too many excuses.

Four Seasons refused to serve us on Tuesday night. Racism. Sigh. Such unhappy people.

It's so good to get the credit cards out of the way :) If Mete gets that NRC $50,000/year nuke scholarship, then he'd go for NCSU engineering degrees, we'd need all of our savings as emergency funds along with VA and GI Bill. I want to save. I am so jealous. Seems like, no matter what I do or what grades I get, I can never have as much money as he does.

Mete revealed my birthday surprised; as I guessed, a trip to Venice or Rome, he wanted me to pick one. It is very nice, but also so expensive. Plus he already wanted to go to Aruba, I'd love the watersports, and it'll be cheaper than Italy, so I told him to go for the cheapest option; I'll fall in love with all 3 places. Rome would be amazing, but too expensive.

Jon said he doesn't see me as a prosecutor/lawyer. He thinks I'm too nice. Just when I thought he knows me well lol

J-M talked on the phone for 2+ hr on Saturday. She vented, I listened. I tried to tell her that anger doesn't accomplish anything, she'll have to stand up and work for what she wants. Coming from Chinese culture, I understand her African culture's so-called "pride" and "honor", which can be trivial at times in the wrong situation and only be ego blocks. She didn't listen. Once again, if what's she's been doing isn't working, why not calm down and try something new?

We're heading to Chicago tomorrow. Maybe. I'm having second thoughts. It's a long drive. But Mete craves good Chinese food, and I want to stop by Ikea for some cheap yet chic organization boxes.

I'm thankful of inspirations everywhere, and my ability to find them (when I want to) in life. They're like fairies :)

Wednesday was fun. We were still sick, but slept a lot. For a good reason. ( Rated R )

Saturday night was fun, too. After Mete talked about taking me to Venice or Rome for my birthday, we had a good conversation about his job and our families. ( Rated R )

10/13 5:56am

We'll have no money in our checking tomorrow. Yay :) But at least we'll finally be credit card free!

I find a very strange thing about many of us:
We do what we do. We think we know the best to do for us. Yet nothing changes. We are not exactly happy about everything. When someone else outside of the box tells us a better solution, we don't take it, and still think that ours is the best. So if nothing has changed as long as we've gone down this same road, then why don't we try those new ways suggested by good people we trust? Is it pride? Fear of not being right? Or just insanity?

Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

Same goes with happiness.
My mother said she used different ways with my dad, but nothing worked, so she goes back to the oldest way that didn't change the most. She settles for the same life, being the victim, and keeps claiming others "don't understand".
When you accuse anyone of not "understanding", you're actively shutting off any attempt to at least try to communicate.
"You don't understand." How convenient.

So do a few girls I know who aren't that happy with their own relationships. They're too predictable, those men know they won't leave, they won't do anything about anything, so men keep doing what they do.

I think it's insanity and ignorance.
Some people thought I was insane to leave Monlin, and that I was cold-bloodedly cruel.
I thought that if I were more like Mete, if I were smarter, calmer, and able to slowly feed positive influence to Monlin, then he'd be different, then we'd be happier. But no. Not everyone is capable of admitting a failure, or a defect of their personalities, and then change. Even if I were a better person, doesn't mean he would be one. He's molded exactly like his parents, neither does he have the will to break the mold. This still saddens me--- He'll never be happy. But at least I know it's not my fault.

I am starting to see what Mete sees in me. I don't settle. I look for new ways; it is hard, but I try it. We challenge each other, but never forget that we love each other and nothing, no pride, no piety, no money, shall ever be bigger than love. I finally learned how to be moderately humble in love- not so humble that I give up what I want. I learn from him. We surprise each other. Everyday is a story. We write it creatively. We have no limits. A big bear and a little bunny running freely in the never ending forest.

This is the best part about life. We don't settle, we don't deprive ourselves in love, we don't love blindly, we are not together because we have no choice. We voice our feelings when there's something the other person does that we don't like, and we try, maybe it takes lots of time, but we keep trying to be a better person to make each other happy- to make each other happy, not to keep our old ways, our pride, or to make sure that we're never wrong. Honestly, I need to keep working on this one, I was so used to fight for my rights and pride with Monlin, I often forget that I don't need to do the same with Mete. Mete is not set out to be the right, dominant one. I don't need to fight to prove I'm right. We just both want to be the best we can for each other. And Mete doesn't change me, it is hard, but he guides me, and then I keep finding pieces of myself, he also keeps being just, "Mete". A big bear and a little bunny, the bear doesn't try to make the bunny into a bear, the bunny doesn't ask the bear to be a bunny. We just, running freely in the world :)



10/12 3:40pm

"Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself... know what you want."- Ingrid Magnussen, my quote of the day.
I like powerful, strong women. They're the weakest in disguise. And they're the hardest to love, yet need love the most.

Still sick.
I got a surprise for Mete when he comes home. I hope he's not too tired.

I don't know if the stuff I wrote on FB was understood by my friend. That's the most I can do for her. The rest is up to her. And if she doesn't have the strength, at least I tried. There's no cure for weakness. It'll either make us stronger or kill us. She really needs to know men, especially her stupid ass boyfriend. He is calculable. A man is a man, he sees what he sees, and does what he can. And what he does determines if he's rotten or virtuous. It's that simple. Oh well.

Diana is so cute :) I kind of feel bad that we won't be really seeing her in November :( She got a new place and keeps wanting me to see it. Neither will us really see Jon :( Or anyone else. But it's OK. Mete wants to spend good time with my parents. This is a rather bitter sweet ordeal for me. I'm too sharp for my mom now, sometimes. She freaks out. She hates it when I speak with a needle of truth. But I can't hide like her. I know what I know. And it's OK to be honest.


10/11 11:27pm
I forgot to mention that I watched The Painted Veil. Naomi Watts and Edward Norton. Oh. Both were superb. The tone of the movie draws your emotions in; you can't help but feel it. I'm really glad I watched it. "Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people."

Our first snow is tomorrow. Like, in several hours. Much earlier than last year. Mete's not happy about it.

My nostrils are now useless. Stuffed like domus. It's amazing how we're designed with sinus spaces to lighten our skulls, but can also be filled with trouble should the right conditions strike. I lost my voice as well.

Mete said things are going well so he'll get my secret birthday present. I love how he wants to keep a surprise but can't wait to drop little hints here and there, like a little boy, and he's so excited. But I seriously don't want anything. Just him.

( Rated R )
I'm glad I bought the $9.89 on sale bedset at Target. Mete fell asleep when I was done with him. I traced his face with my fingers. I dropped kisses on his skin. And I kept stroking his arms. But I also cough and sneeze, so I left the bedroom to let him sleep tight. Love makes my heart so warm that I want to melt with him as one.

7:16am
The lower half of my head is stuffed, feeling as if my ears are burning. I woke up this morning and was strangely happy, that I caught whatever Mete has. He works so much now, I miss him a lot. Being sick with him makes me feel less away from him.

2:25pm
OK, so my bff was talking to me, spent hours typing Chinese to her. I usually don't ask about her daily life, I am not there but I know exactly what's going on. It sort of just came up. She kept on saying, "you are so right, how do you know? You haven't even met him yet! No wonder you're into psychology." Yep, I know, I don't need to meet a douche bag to know a douche bag.
And then she also kept on saying, "but I'm waiting for him to change... It's harder to leave him with the baby. I'm waiting to see if he changes next year." Next YEAR? Let's do the math: if he didn't change last year, last week, and today, what makes anyone think he'd change next year?

Some women are just asking to be miserable. She's really doing this to herself. Pain is so romanticized. Though it's just fool's work. He'll never love you, he never loved you, neither will he love your baby. The baby is just a tool to keep you around and tie you down.

Oh, let me introduce this dude: He won't move out. His mom won't let him move out. He has a half ass job because real jobs are too hard for him, plus he's got daddy and mommy. He made promises that were never fulfilled. He's not a man, but a boy who pretends to be a man just because he has a dick and 2 balls. Wait, I think. Does he have balls? Probably not. And probably fucks like a caterpillar, which is many Asian men. And no, I don't know how caterpillars fuck, no, actually, caterpillars DON'T fuck! They're babies! That's right. So he cannot even fuck like a caterpillar. And, he is one of the UGLIEST Asian men I've ever seen. You'd think it was a flat faced buffalo in the picture. I seriously don't want to meet him and face how ugly he is. It'll make me cry. And I'm sure he's stupid so talking to him would suffocate me. And then I'll ask Mete to please punch him. Or I will.

Anyways. My headache got so much bigger that it's not even funny.
Some girls just cannot change. And there's no one to blame but themselves. I was one of them.
I am not angry at her. She reminds me so much of my old self that I am worked up over myself, that I was stupid once.



I just want Mete to come home. I dislike being sick. He keeps me sane.

My weddings plans don't look that good anymore compared to the Office wedding: Pam's dress, her torn veil, Jim's cut tie, and the boat... it was all perfect! Mete said he actually thought of proposing to me at Niagara Falls because I love waterfalls, I loved Cave of the Winds, and Maid of Mist. He said he can't do that anymore lol :P

I mean, he's already "proposed" in many ways. Everytime he speaks of our future is a proposal :) Everytime he says he loves me is a vow. We ARE practically a married couple. I asked if he wanted to get married somewhere, alone, just the TWO of us, on an island far away. We won't worry about people driving to the Outer Banks. Or his parents, or Alim looking all cute but possibly terrorizing everything :P And I don't want to invite a few people yet I might have no choice.

Mete wants a good celebration, and our families won't like it if they weren't there. OK, we'll have an awesome beach wedding, delish and budget friendly Turkish food instead of expensive fancy western dishes like every bride. I studied decors by David Tutera, Preston Bailey, and Fete NY. I can do the same on a small 45-70 guests scale.

Some people at Mete's work are sick, so is he, now I'm also sick. It feels better than hormonal pain, but I hate feeling like puking every 10 minutes. Fevers, cough, and sneezy stuffy nose I can handle; puking, NO.

I wish I had mileage for flight tickets. Cyndi needs a vacay, Jon wants to come to WI, and Kristin needs a honeymoon! 

I took a good nap yesterday morning. Sleep! Much needed sleep helped with the headaches. My hormones are finally waving a white flag, too. I feel better, but still pulled an all nighter despite the sleep meds last night. Looks like I'm back to making fresh juice and prepping Mete's meds every morning :) But now I'm sleepy. I'll try to stay awake.

It'll be sweet if we'd pay off 1 car loan and 2 cards soon. I'm excited in a silly way. Our pathetic savings will shrink, but it's actually a big saving in the long run: the rates of most loans are greater than most savings'. This is when I don't know why some people horde their student loans in a less APR CD account, instead of paying off debts with higher rates. And when you show them the math, they still do it. Ignorance or pure stupidity? Makes me wonder.

I finally came up with the perfect way to organize the office and piles of papers. Better work it today.



( A (possible) history of miscarriages and fear for infertility )

What would you do if you won 2 million bucks after taxes?

Friar Tucks has this cute German decor :)

Apple picking was fun. Wagon rides, apple trees everywhere, pumpkin patches, families, kids, laughter, warm apple cider, and caramel apples. All the apples we picked were only $8.45! Mete said we'll pick the pumpkins later. I took many photos, and he did most of the picking. I picked 5 apples! Mete was like, "wow, it'll be fun picking cherries with you, all the 5 cherries you'll pick." But we missed the cherry season :( Mete is gonna teach me his awesome apple pie and warm spiced cider :) The 1st freeze will come soon.

I am jealous of Mete. He can have jobs like NASA, or an engineering degree at NCSU easily, but he likes working more.

Mete said he has a surprise for my birthday... I don't want anything except for knowing that everyone is doing well.

My body is still rioting. Aspirin and sleeping meds :( My head is so heavy, I asked Mete to hold my hair up to rest my neck, he said, "this is creepy... You look like a shrunken head." This headache will break my 8 days record, not in a good way. Life is good but not as fun when I can't sleep with all the body aches. But, pain makes us realize that we're alive, so it's all good :)

I hope Cyndi feels better soon :(

I'm wondering, exactly how long my life can go on with insomnia? I take Lamictal at bedtime, Aspirin to minimize the hormonal pain, and sleep pills. Mete has to sleep no later than 9pm, so we go to bed and cuddle at 8. But I stay awake.

John is coming on the 22nd, I'm supposed to pick him up in Chicago. Hopefully I'll be able to fly back to NC for 1 day to attend Kristin's reception, and then get on the same flight as John. I'm watching our money closely.

Timur is borrowing our card for a ticket to Thailand. Mete joked, "our money finds a way to disappear; now my family is spending for us." Yea, $3000 to Baba, now $800 to Timur. Maybe he'll pay back, I don't know lol. And Thailand again?

Mete found a list of apple orchards :) We're going apple picking and visiting a vineyard on Sunday, his day off.